Tsika ni Tsong!!! aka the Lipgloss review

<Insert Kristen Bell’s voice>
It is often said that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. But what if the imitators one uped yours truly? Remember when Dan and Serena were playing tonsil hockey and Kati and Is were filming them for the sake of our great-grandkids? Guess what, this blog doesn’t have web streaming, and when I found one someone took advantage of the new wonders of technology, I was pissed as Chuck when he found out Eric was gayer than Sir Elton John.
</End Kristen Bell’s voice>

That is basically the premise of TV5’s (formerly ABC-5) new teen drama, Tsika ni Tsong Lipgloss. It’s basically Gossip Girl with web streaming, only that the blogger is gay (gossiping is within the realms of females or gays. Check out the people who give out the Star Awards, they’re gayer than Lindsay Lohan) and that everyone knows who s/he is. It’s Gossip Girl to the core: two BFFs in which the Serena clone had an affair with the boyfriend of the Blair clone; the Humphrey clones are poorer than the rest of Linden High (yes, that’s the school name. I thought they’ll go with Mataas na Paaralan ng Nakatambay na Bilyaran or Eskwelahan ni Hudas), and the Nate clone is as stoned as his UES counterpart. Heck even the Lily clone is mad as hell and the Blair clone does really look like Blair in some angles (preferably from the back). And don’t forget the Chuck clone. I wonder when would the “I’m Chuck Bass” line airs.

Although the dearth of new material is nothing new (the CW revived Beverly Hills, 90210, and they even managed to retain the old characters, Transformers for the 21st century, and of course, Zaido and Lupin), what makes Lipgloss different is that they’ll stick it out with the Gossip Girl storyline at least on the pilot. Hey, just for kicks, let’s recap what happened:

• We saw someone on the pool, looks like the person is drowning. You really can’t tell.
• Then we’re introduced to the Humphrey clones. There is the Rufus clone, the Dan clone and the really, really cute Jenny clone. It seems they’re starting out from scratch, pretty house, though.
• Then we’re introduced to the Blair and Serena clones. Unlike their UES counterparts, the Serena clone isn’t blonde, and isn’t taller than the Blair clone. Too bad, since the brunette/blonde contrast is one of overly used literary devices (Rory/Paris, Brooke/Peyton, Marissa/Summer, Taylor/Summer) and they can be pretty effective in distinguishing the two leads.
• Then we’re introduced to the Nate clone, And he apparently has a brother, and he forgot to buy the Blair clone a present for her birthday (at least the real-life Nate Archibald (no, not the Knicks player) had a nice “gift” for Blair).
• And of course, the Chuck clone. I dunno if the girls will surrender their you know whats for this Chuck clone.
• Basically, it’s the first day of school, and the Serena clone was chosen as the “face of the day” by Gossip Gay. The Blair clone tries her best Blair impression in looking pissed but still looking cute for the rest of the class (there seems to be a Kati and Is, heck the Headband bitches clones too!).
• The Nate clone has been stalking the Serena clone all summer long. It seems that Nate and Serena clones did it on the summer.
• Meanwhile, the Serena clone threw spaghetti (which is really made up of cheap pasta, cheap hotdogs and Papa ketchup) to the Chuck clone when he is doing the Chuck way of socializing.
• Of course, the spaghetti came from the tray of guess what? The Dan clone! So Dan clone and Chuck clone beat each other up like the Grove Street Families and Ballas drive-bys.
• Since it’s her birthday, Blair clone has a party. An exclusive party.
• BTW, I forgot to name them, the Blair clone is Abby, and the Serena clone is Meg. The Jenny clone’s name is Ziggy. I didn’t notice the names of the dudes or the gays.
• And guess what, who was serving drinks at the party? The Dan clone, of course! Dan clone made pa-cute to Meg and the she returned the favor.
• So Meg and the Nate clone finally confront each other, with Meg predictably shooing away the Nate clone.
• Meanwhile, the Lily clone ate fire at the party much to the delight of the seniors of Linden High. This made the Abby very much embarrassed so you know where she’s going, right?
• She went to the spot where Meg and the Nate clone played sissiest tonsil hockey in the history of teen programs. Just like the referees in the WWE, Meg didn’t notice Abby stomped her way by so she pushed the Nate clone further away. Nate clone sissily obliged.

Now we’re going to the climax of the episode; it’s like when Dan and Serena were at the gallery on Christmas day, then they start kissing, and the camera pans up and we see Vanessa and Jenny staring, at the roof, one-upping Kati and Is, recording Dan and Serena doing the deed, while Vanessa and Jenny did theirs.

So Meg returns to the party, and guess what, Abby and the Nate clone returns too. This is the point where Abby introduces to Linden High, and to Ziggy who was watching all of the time, via live web streaming from the Lipgloss website, the bitch who was making out with her boyfriend. And to add the cherry to the ice cream, she pushed Meg to the pool, hence our opening scene.

So, you’ve basically seen the plot elements on the first season of Gossip Girl in one episode. Plus, they also played OneRepublic’s “Apologize.” Take that, Your Song! And that’s how Gossip Girl will know she’s been screwed. Now for Elle Bishop to zap the hell out of the Lipgloss webmaster as Veronica Mars and the Piz make out like there’s no tomorrow. Only because LoVe sucks.

P.S.: Now you know why I wasn’t able to update UAAP games this Saturday.