What really happened in The Hunger Games

Mommy Everdeen has awesome naming skillz. First, she named her daughter "Katniss". Then, her next daughter is named "Primrose". So while she's the MVP of naming your kids league, she has to be the worst player in the worst team of the minor leagues; she has mad sewing skills, though, so that pretty much cancels everything, right?

When watching The Hunger Games, you'd probably be distracted by a simple game: The "S/he looks like someone!" game. Right after we know the backstory, which tells you what the Hunger Games are, and the process of selecting the players or "tributes", we're thrust into the first contestant of our mini-game. Why, it's a better Jay Leno in a parallel universe, Caesar Flickerman! Who awfully looks like French president Nicolar Sarkozy! Now we need pretty French chicks.

It's the day of the reaping, and Primrose is having bad nightmares. No, she's not dreaming about this type of teddy bear chasing her around District 12 while singing to Justin Bieber songs; she dreamed that she was picked, and picked she was. Katniss, who I'm having a tough time in our mini-game, offered herself instead. And of course, we needed a dude so we got the Boy on Wheat, Peeta the loaf boy, which means he's Australian. Or something like that.

Before leaving for the Capitol, Katniss says goodbye to Mommy Everdeen and Primrose (who's giving me AnnaSophia Robb vibes). She also tells mom that her dress is so uberfine, the camera crew cut the scene where she was taking a bath, our only fan service, at least for male fans, so that they film the dress longer. Which was terrible, at least for male fans. We were looking for the bathing instruments of District 12 for our anthropology class.

For some reason, our Australian baker dude really wants to win so he's so eager when he meets Haymitch, who is supposedly a gangsta version of Billy Ray Cyrus: he won the Hunger Games way back when Katniss was the one having bear nightmares. Haymitch broke the heart of our Australian baker boy, but boy was hesistant.

So they, along with their hostess Effie, which means "Effing Annoying, but not evil" arrive at the Capitol. The docs do some nasty things on Katniss, and by nasty I mean it in a non-sexual way, because they're cleaning her up for Cinna. Who looks like a gay version of Lenny Kravitz. HOLY MACKAREL, IT REALLY IS LENNY KRAVITZ!

Cinna wants to make Katniss and loaf boy to stand out in the presentation. So of course, like all gay people do, she puts fire into the rain... well not really. Just fire. At the presentation, Caesar and the crowd were so drawn into Katniss and loaf boy, they started the Peeniss (OK, that joke is old) ship.

Caesar makes his best Sarkozy impression on his show as he interviews the 24 contestants, all 0.25 seconds each for them, until we reach Katniss, who makes a bigger impression with her fiery skirt. So, since she's the girl on fire, and her partner is loaf boy, their future children should be French toast. And yes, loaf boy professed her crush on Katniss, ever since he gave her a piece of bread when Katniss was not starving herself to death.

Katniss was really pissed, but Haymitch had a better idea: you'd need this backstory so that he can sell this to the sponsors. So the tributes train like hell. The sponsors? They were busy making small talk, so Katniss showed them her mad archer skillz. Sponsors, after being terrified by the poor apple on the wall, were impressed. President Snow, the evil dictator Borat wants to be, wasn't.

So it's the day of the Hunger Games, or as the anorexics would have it, "It was supposedly ours but we were too weak to register at the patents." Haymitch had one last tip to Katniss: "It's a trap!" He apparently gave the same tip to loaf boy so they emerged relatively unscathed from the opening massacre. Peeta teams up with the Careers, so-called since they careered their training. The alliance hunted for Katniss, who wisely went her own way.

Of course the gamemakers didn't like that so they made a nasty forest fire to lead Katniss back to the other tributes. The Careers found her, so she has to make use of her tree climbing skillz. Now the web trolls have cited this part as either a plot hole or sheer stupidity by the Careers: why didn't they just burn the tree down? They were probably just too stupid, and they would not have let Katniss die at this point.

While the Careers were dozing off, Rue, one of the tributes, and has better tree climbing skillz than Katniss, points to our heroine a hive of tracker jackers. No, this is not the Kony guy jacking it off in San Diego, those are bad-arse wasps that inflict more pain than loaf boy riding on bumblebees. Katniss, with all her might, succeeds in dropping the smackdown on the Careers. She got infected too, and she became a zombie.

Rue nursed her back to health after two days of feeding her with peas and mushrooms, with a wall of walnuts guarding by. So begins their 12-hour relationship that rivaled Cassie and Adam in the Secret Circle. They play in the forest, build dirt castles (sand castles, only dirtier), and they effed up the Careers munitions dump. But wait, like all good relationships, it has to end with the "it missed me but it hit her" routine, and so we see Jennifer Lawrence's audition for Sony Music. District 11 approves, and they riot like shit.

Haymitch, in a true Billy Ray Cyrus move, suggest to the gamemakers that to appease the rioting District 11 people, who had only heard of Justin Bieber songs before they heard Katniss sing, to make the games a lovefest. So, like the Democrats before them, they moved the goalposts at the middle of the game: instead of one survivor, there'd be a pair of survivors, as long as they're from the same district.

The inner Peeniss fangirl in Katniss knew this was her chance to score on loaf boy, so she begins her long and arduous quest in search for loaf boy, which mostly included smelling the forest for yeast. Ironically, it was not the smell of yeast that led Katniss to loaf boy: it was the stench of bee poop. Loaf boy was badly hurt, and Katniss knows where to make loaf boy feel better: at the Pokemon Center! Ah wait, Pokemon is basically their food in these parts, so they settle in a cave.

During prehistoric times, the cave was more than just a shelter: it was the forerunner of the motel. Katniss, realizing that the Hunger Games is Big Brother, only manlier, decided to raise the stakes and make out with loaf boy, only that Gale was watching at home. Devastated, he opened his wallet where he keeps nekkid pics of Vanessa Anne Hudgens, then he did what the Kony 2012 guy did. Jacking it in District 12.

The gamemakers still have to make their quota for announcements, and basically said, there's a trap, but you are all gullible all of you will take the risk. Katniss did, got the bag, then was assaulted by Clove (nice name). Then our token black dude saves the day for Katniss, because it's all for Rue, who is waving her hair back and forth in fictional character heaven.

Katniss comes back to the cave, gives loaf boy the medicine, and after three days, Peeta rose from the ashes of bee poop. It's like Jesus. After encountering Foxface's corpse holding poisonous berries, there now only four tributes left: if they beat out the other two, they'd win. Fortunately, the gamemakers released Jacob's nastier dog-cousins, killing token African American guy. Now, only Cato was left. Jacob's cousins chased Peeniss through the forest into the not-so-loving arms of Cato.

It's the final battle! And you know what they do with these fight scenes: they follow the legacy of the Bourne film series and film it via a handheld cam. It's like watching Flame of Recca, while Gale was jacking it in District 12, while he was holding the camera. Of course, it comes down to Cato putting Katniss in a not-so-desirable situation: shoot me and we (with loaf boy) go down with Jacob's cousins and perform bestiality, or don't shoot so that it'll be you joining loaf boy with the doggies. Of course, Peeniss found a way and they win!

The gamemakers had one last announcement to make: only one tribute wins. Katniss shows loaf boy the berries; the two were about to relive this Secret Circle scene where Cassie and Adam drank the elixir that made them forgot all 76 minutes that they were together, when the gamemakers realized they can make one more announcement! We'd accept co-winners! Peeniss wins!

Haymitch warned Katniss that the authorities did not like what she did, or more exactly, what she did not do, which was make sexy time with loaf boy. Peeniss were crowned co-champions of the Hunger Games, and are greeted back at District 12 like rock stars.

Before alighting the train, loaf boy asked Katniss if can she bake Spanish bread with him. Katniss replied to just forget about what happened to them.

That's right, loaf boy has just been friendzoned. Don't worry loaf boy, even your sorta-namesake arachnid superhero was friendzoned too.

And Katniss? I finally found out who she looks like. At the final scene at the train, she looked like Troian Bellisario, Spencer Hastings from Pretty Little Liars, with that hair. Katniss went from noncaring deer hunter to noncaring Peeniss fangirl. Mommy Everdeen is proud.

The Secret Circle recap: We act like we're awkwardly doing the nasty

Remember when I told you three days ago that I'll post the recap the next day? Something, I mean nothing, intervened (key word: laziness) so I just made it today. But first, previously on the Secret Circle:

• Cassie Blake, a blonde Bella Swan wannabe, comes back to Chance Harbor, a stone throw away from Forks, where her mom dies, some hot chicks at school tell her she's a witch, and she finds a dirty old book.
• Cassie's mom apparently made Heather Barnes in cryogenic state without actually being frozen. So Cassie and her new pseudo-BFF Faye brings her back to life, but after they left thinking the suck at magic and imagine that they're bonking Edward.
• Heather goes to Cassie's home, gets possessed by a demon, then wasted the best chase scene since that awful chase scene that should've not been called a chase scene in Matrix: Reloaded when Cassie overpowers her.
• Heather goes out of the house, and some car running at 200 km/h at a neighborhood road runs into her. She dies, but the demon lives on, and gets inside the body of Melissa. Wait who's Melissa? She's my first love, but I transferred schools... ah wait, she one of the hot witches.

And that's what you missed on The Secret Circle.
Melissa, with the demon insider her wakes up like she has a hangover. Nick, the guy whom she was sleeping with, asks her if she's dead. Seriously, the guy playing Nick must've read the script.

The day after Demon!Heather made Neo look like Ron Weasley (I will run out of magic references when this is over), Cassie's grandma just basically told Cassie to tell what the fuck she's being doing all this time. She can't be hanging out with the hot chicks on school, right?

Oooh! What's for breakfast? Pickles? Seriously Spencer from Pretty Little Liars has yummier food than this.

Melissa wanders around the school hallway as if she possessed the ring in the Lord of the Rings. She bumps into the principal (she's more evil than Gossip Girl's Miss Queller), so that's our quota of the kids bumping into the adults scene. Cassie bumps into Diana, thinking "hey, haven't I seen this girl at Miss Teen USA"?! Diana basically tells her "Don't tell your grandma about us!" At the principal office, Diana's dad so wishes he's making out with the principal (Faye's mom). But this is the CW, where only the teens make out, so we're denied of that scene.

Diana: "Our parents our dating!" (Squees like her dad.)
Faye: "Whatever." (Does the Chamberlain pout.)
Girl wearing the baby pink shirt: "YAY I'M ON TV!"

And at this point, the demon that possessed Demon!Heather possesses Melissa for good. Nick comes to the rescue and they undress themselves via magic, telling him that she knows where her family's Book of Shadows is. It's at the forest where they saw Alison DiLaurentis' body. Nick finds the treasure and they go to their secret hideaway.

Cassie is eating yummy dinner with grandma. At this juncture, Melissa texts everyone that they should watch their hands-free striptease. Cassie squees like a little girl as she goes to the secret hideaway. (BTW, we should assign a name to their secret hideaway. Like Area 51.)

Faye makes first to Area 51, then quickly gets bored. Cassie arrives too, making Faye's boredom turn into "what the heck is she doing here?" face And she thought to herself "Wasn't I a mermaid? Hey, I know that girl from the Vampire Diaries!" Melissa tells the gang that they'll need the full circle of 6 to make them open the case where the Book of Shadows is supposedly hidden. Cassie, obviously disappointed she can't watch the hands-free striptease, wishes she was watching Adam and Diana. Speaking of witch... I mean which...

Melissa: "There's nothing I wouldn't do for you."
Faye: "DO ME!"
Melissa: "This is the CW, not ABC Family!"

Adam and Diana were on the verge of making Edward and Jacob look gayer than Alison and Emily while Emily was dreaming about how will things look like if she wasn't a lesbian. Until...

This is not what you think it is.

...Cassie called asking if she can watch them make out. The two of them go to Area 51 to make it a three-way with Cassie, but Adam was th.is close in making the RH Bill proponents fume with rage when that happened.

(This needs no caption.)

The two lovers in heat go to Area 51. There they find Melissa going bonkers since she can't make out with Faye. Like come on, can't we transfer this show to ABC Family?

"I was just doing the Chicken Dance."

Cassie had an idea, but there were so many strings attached, Faye gleefully counted the strings. While Faye was busy, Cassie used her magic powers, that included changing flat tires faster than the Minardi pit crew, to teleport to her grandma's home. Where she tried her best to emulate Faye "You're a witch" dialogue, only that it didn't work since she can't do the Australian accent.

Meanwhile, Dawn (Faye's mom the principal) and Charles (Diana's dad, aka Chuck Bass when he grows up), were doing some ceremony to get their powers back. But like Adam before them, they failed since the tawas (I mean the crystal) ran out of power.

Back at Area 51, Demon!Melissa kicked their powers, they had to be saved by Cassie's grandma. The circle wondered, hey isn't this Mr. Muggles' favorite grandma? She kicked demon ass, until the demon transferred to Nick. Demon!Nick went to town to cause more havoc. We then have our obligatory Cassie+Adam scene where they burn the Demon!Suitcase. We also had our obligatory Cassie bewbies scene! Two birds, one stone.

God, Cassie is so hot, even the demons won't die by burning.

Dawn, channeling her inner Faye, hangs out at the Boathouse, looking for young hotties. So Demon!Nick gets there telling her that it wants her body. Because, she's hot. Borrowing from cop shows, Dawn calls Charles without really speaking to him. He comes out of nowhere to sucker punch Demon!Nick. Dawn says "You can only kill a demon by burning it, so let's drown him!" The circle, with Mr. Muggle's favorite grandma, look for Demon!Nick, but by the time the Blakes get into him, he's dead.

The circle calls Faye, who was with Melissa at Area 51 making out off-cam to tell her what happened. She was so pissed off as she could've saved Nick, since she's a mermaid in a previous life. Charles expresses remorse for drowning Nick, Adam and Diana discuss the Obama jobs plan, and Cassie and grandma talk about the Republican primary.

Diana: "If I lost you I couldn't take it."
Adam: "You're not gonna lose me."
Diana: "Promise?"
Adam: ^_^
Chuck Bartowski: "Hey look, Morgan! It's Big Mike's fish!"

Cassie returns to her room, crying. Well not as much as crying as there was only one tear. Like seriously, who cries with one tear? Witches? She looks at the window to the house next door, at Nick's room. Let's remember, Nick was the first witch on the circle Cassie met.

Next, on the Secret Circle:

Is that your final answer?

If you've been following me on Twitter, you've found out already that I was a part of the audience of TV5's Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? hosted by Bossing Vic Sotto. It was the second season premiere, and Joey de Leon was the guest contestant.

So how was the show? Did TV5's canteen served up awesome food? Did some perky contestant got too... perky? Did Joey win the 2 million pesos cash prize? (By the time you read this anyway the episode had aired already.)

So many questions. They'll be answered. After the jump.

So the set was rather small. The black background gives it a spacious feel when you see it on TV. The director briefed the contestants, and since it seems that he doesn't have a floor director, he himself told the audience what to do, like when to clap, how loud the clapping should be, and how loud should we show our love to Bossing.

While the director was briefing the contestants, we've overheard him telling the contestants that since it is the second season premiere, Bossing Vic will have a special guest contestant, no other than the one and only, the controversial Joey de Leon.

The contestants had a dry run of "Fastest Finger First," then a few moments later the show is on the way, since Bossing is in the building!

So after the audience yelled out their lungs, Bossing carried out his usual introduction, but a really perky young girl was giggling hysterically so she had to go out, and Bossing has to have a "Take 2." Then he called out the carry-over contestant from the first season's last episode.

He was on the P100,000 question and he took a long time in answering, the question was: "What is the capital of Finland?" Actually, he answers to Bossing the correct answer (Helsinki), but when Vic asks him if that is his final answer, he backs off, and the cycle repeated for like ten times. He eventually got mustered emnough courage to blurt out "final answer" and we was right. This was edited out on the broadcast version. He really took a long time to figure it out. He still walked away with P150,000 when backed out in his last question.

So now it's Bossing introducing the man that needs no introduction, Joey de Leon. Joey bulldozed his way through the first five questions; he didn't even let Vic ask him, "Is that your final answer?" There was even a question on who is Philippine basketball's "The Big Difference," and everyone had a hearty laugh when Jimmy Santos was one of the choices.

The next five questions weren't that easy, but Joey used deductive reasoning to weed out the right answer. Joey even had the time to bash Willie Revilliame. On the P100,000 safe haven question, Joey faced a tough question. It's about the play on which a certain movie is based upon. He followed his guts and went with "Casablanca" but right before he asked the audience and used his 50:50. I thought it was the other choice so I gave the wrong answer to Joey. LOL.

Now Joey is on the P400,000 question, and it's about Aristotle's lantern. Joey originally picked the correct answer (sea urchin), but he deviated when he used the reasoning that "Aristotle's lantern" has to do with knowledge or intelligence. Since the dolphin is the most intelligent among the four choices (the other choices are sea horse and another sea creature), he stuck with dolphin. Vic informed him he was wrong, but the kids at the PGH will still get P150,000 from the show.

Ah, so it's dinner break, and we had to go back to the ABC-5 canteen. And the food was cold already. I saw the giggling girl being chased by her chaperon, and we resume the events, next week, since I don't want to preempt TV5.

War of the Roses/Dude, Where's My Carr?

Ah, the high school play. Everyone wants to be the lead character, no one wants to be the costume designer. And what story would be better on a high school play than "The Age of Innocence"? That film which won the Academy Award for costume design, and where we thought Winona Ryder was klepto. The film was based from a book, which I thought everyone read in LIT 104 class, only that our class didn't read it. We stayed on more lurid tales such as Oedipus, which is probably the inspiration of Josef Fritzl.

Where did we left off? The last recap was over a quarter of a year ago, where Dan was a brooding... well, he just broods. A lot has happened since then; Serena met a guy with crappy hair, fell in love with him, planned a trip to South America with him (Dan sure knows his geography), ditched him at the airport, went back with Dan, who flirted with a really CUTE teacher, whom Blair exposed them a la Vanessa Abrams to the school PTA. Dan apologized, and he made kinky stuff with the REALLY CUTE teacher.

And Blair? She has been through a lot, chasing Chuck all around the five boroughs, chased Bart's limo that caused him to die, causing Chuck to become a vampire and possessed powers on Edward Cullen had. Since Blair doesn't come from a desert climate, she quit Chuck after seeing him sucking the blood out of one Jack Bass, and instead stalked Dan Humphrey with a passion never before seen since they turned the brunette Nikki Reed into a blonde vampire, and saw him and THE REALLY CUTE TEACHER touching each other's hair, which caused Dan to do the nasty WITH THE REALLY CUTE TEACHER.

And the boys? After Blair caused Bart's death, Chuck has been chasing around some random strawberry blonde (who is not even hot) whom he saw after he had hallucinations after visiting Nate's dad.

How about Nate? Playing tonsil hockey with Vanessa at Rangers games. And his storyline? He just makes out with Vanessa.

Oh, Jenny had a dramatic storyline. Her life is wrecked by UC Berkeley drop-out. She goes by the initials "KC". After that she's probably memorizing "The Magic Flute" in German, while watching Eric and Jonathan do their thing. The kids these days, they'd do anything.

And the parents? They're so madly in love, I don't even remember what happened.

(I just wanted to make it up with all of the episodes I missed recapping. Christmas, New Year's, Valentines and the spring solstice was like one long holiday.)

On with the show. A little later.

Breaking Dan, or the night Bella watched KSTW-11

Dear Mom,

After you called me a dozen times last night after the freak accident with my truck on the snow and you still haven't let up in asking me, I thought of sending you an email to again tell you that I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I know, I'm that hot, so I'm soooooo fine. And pale too. Perfect for a pale town of Forks.

By the way, I was watching KSTW-11* (the local CW affiliate here in Washington), and I know you'd rather watch old women go ga-ga with gardeners on that ABC show, I'd rather watch the kiddie version since, hey like I'm a teen. In a boring town called Forks what else would you do?

The show I'm referring to is "Gossip Girl," where girls gossip silently and boys gossip loudly, AND send tips to Gossip Girl herself.

We see the dad (Rufus, much hotter than Char... dad) asking his son Dan (much hotter than Mike, the kid who has been stalking me at school) to rescind (our English teacher is very gooooood) his decision on using his story about Chuck (that sleazy guy, but Edward is sleazier. And paler than me.) but Dan is hell-bent on doing it since he's a crappy writer. Not unlike Stephanie Meyer. I heard she's fantastic. Better than Cecily von Ziegesar. The point is Dan is using Chuck! Nooooooooo. I'd so do it with Chuck, but Dan is so judgmental! You'd see later.

By the way, the protagonists of this show aren't Dan and Chuck, but Serena and Blair. Serena is hot and blonde, while Blair is cute and brunette. And Blair's turning 18 (oh no! I wouldn't want to turn 18 in this rainy town!) and she's gloating about her mom's new BF. I heard he's hotter than the gardener guy or that Scofield guy or the McDreamy guy. Well until Blair saw him. Serena herself was gloating about his new boy toy Aaron, who has hair worse than my classmate Eric.

Dan actually has younger sister Jenny, but she literally moved out after she had a disagreement with Rufus over her "career". Yes mom, 15 year olds in New York (that's where this is set) have careers. She and her pal Agnes (if you watched The O.C. she was the ugly blonde's younger sister) are looking for venture capitalists to invest in their new fashion firm but Agnes always screws up and Jenny's big eyes grows bigger when they fight on the streets of Manhattan.

Blair herself was admonishing their maid Dorota that she used some crappy silverware and when she saw her mom's new BF. He's the same guy on "The L Word" (I know for a fact that you watch that, Mom. Don't ask on how I knew) named William. So you can imagine the horror of Blair upon seeing him! It's like when Phil's team loses by a score of 10-0. Dorota herself was grinning. LOL.

Since we're into sports, Chuck treats his unappreciative dad Bart with a season pass to Rangers games. Mom, not Texas Rangers games, New York Rangers games. You know, hockey. No wonder Bart didn't accept. Dan himself met one of New York mag's editors (They have awesome episode recaps of this show) where the mag wants Dan, yes teenager Dan, to write a story about Bart. Like some crazy story. I should be really be back at Phoenix where I can be like the head cheerleader of the Cardinals. If only I can move some muscles my PE classmates would love me. Well of course Dan the ass that he is obliges.

Serena was at Times Square, you know the area of New York where they once held TRL. I think you watched that show when Carson Daly was the host, before it got crappy with all of the Fred Durst guestings. Anyhow, Serena saw herself on one of the electronic billboards (which doesn't exist in this rain-infested part of the world). Apparently it was Aaron's idea and Serena was too giddy as Aaron played tonsil hockey with her. Yay. And like the kissing scene was like one of those Korean telenovelas where one scene was replayed with different camera angles.

Of course Blair was suspicious about this Aaron guy because Blair hates men not named Chuck Bass. And Blair wanted to talk Serena about her mom's BF Cyrus. But Serena is so smitten with this Aaron guy she leaves Blair effed up with Cyrus.

So Dan met up with Bart and they bonded like true father and son that Bart invited Dan to a hockey game! Like Bart actually watches hockey! Well baseball season is over, and I read that the Knicks suck and their football teams play at the marshes so New Yorkers really have no choice. But Chuck comes charging right in and is flabbergasted (see I told ya my English teacher is great!) seeing Bart asking Dan for a date.

Jenny was getting impatient with Agnes since she can't find a venture capitalist to invest in their "firm" but Agnes was too wasted with partying. If only Forks had a nightspot! And I'm not talking about the spot where all the cool kids hang out under the trees. Jenny took matters upon her own hands and she made business alone. But there's one hitch about Jenny's business: she's a minor so she needs parents' consent first before she can conduct business with some creepy dude. But considering her relationship with Rufus...

Blair herself would take matters upon her own hands when Cyrus bashed Cyndi Lauper, ok he didn't bash her but it made Blair upset that Eleanor chose him over her birthday. Serena herself was acting all musey for that douche Aaron up until one of his muses, er girls arrives for "business." And you know what made Serena upset? The girl wanted to drink hot coffee! The coffee she brought for Aaron! That Aaron when I see him I'd drive a wooden stake right through his heart. And to think judgmental Dan was better. Yes mom, they were formerly boyfriend/girlfriend, and Dan gave his "first" on Christmas Eve. Isn't that sweet?

Speaking of Dan, some random guy apparently heard that he was digging up Bart's dirt so he gave him a shovel: some shiny dirt every reporter would want. Dan was all giddy (like ex-girlfriend, like ex-boyfriend), and Dan got the dish pretty easily. Rufus doesn't like it and asks Dan to drop it.

If there's one thing Blair's good at, it's digging up dirt. So she also finds dirt about Cyrus from Cyrus himself! It's like while in Vietnam (I wonder how he got into the army with that body), he fell in love with a hot Vietnamese girl while he was married. When he and his wife divorced, he found out that the girl died when the Americans swept through their village looking for a McDonald's outlet. And apparently Blair's mom doesn't like cheaters so Blair got the dirt! Yay! And Serena? She's on the verge of ditching Aaron. Yay again!

Blair's mom got the dirt and she's devastated. And Agnes did her own little Blair scheming when she found out that Jenny made business with that creepy dude without her knowing it.

I don't know, mom, but do these people never go to school? It seems that they have parties every week, and for this week, it was Blair's 18th birthday party. Serena and her pals were talking about Aaron and how Blair is right. And Blair came rolling along and they talk some more.

Mom, the episode title is "Bonfire on the Vanity" and apparently the bonfire lights up when Agnes burns all of Jenny's clothes on a trash can, WITH JENNY NOT DOING ANYTHING. Jenny didn't grab her clothes, or anything or even Agnes. She just yelled and cried and left with a whimper. Like who does that? The writers could've done the tried and tested formula of two people fighting over a loaded gun, only in this case they were grabbing a lighter.

And oh, did I tell you that Agnes lit up the "bonfire" with a matchstick? And the clothes made a little spark a few seconds after Agnes threw the match? It was stupid really. And Jenny looked like the Masked Rider with all of her eyeshadow.

Back in Blair's party, Cyrus and Serena finally met up, and Cyrus told her on how Aaron was so smitten about her. It turns out Aaron the bad hair-do guy and Cyrus the definitely not hot dad are son and father! And right after Serena leaves to happily find Aaron, Blair's mom comes and drops the bomb. Poor Cyrus. He was busted by Blair's mom and he has a douche-y son.

Not until Cyndi Lauper came along! Yes mom, the Cyndi Lauper! And Blair felt bad on what she did and she found Cyrus on the sidewalk and Blair can't outsmart a lawyer. She can outsmart Chuck, her classmates, her teachers and a duchess, but she can't outsmart a lawyer. They're too conniving, even for Blair. Heck even Jenny outsmarted the police. I wonder if she can outsmart dad.

Dan is confronting Bart about the dirt that the money he used to jumpstart his company came from the insurance on the building he intentionally burned down when my Chuck came to his dad's rescue and stopped the madness! Oh Chuck, I'd remain boyfriend-less if it makes you happy. As long as vampires don't seduce me you are safe in my pale heart. And Chuck even begs Dan not to reveal this. Dan don't do it or I will take a plane to New York and hunt you down!

It's a good thing Dan came to his senses and stopped himself from publishing the story. Plus he made Bart and Chuck make up as he gave Bart the Chuck story he wrote. Here's an excerpt, Mom. Read how crappy it is!

His hand held a firm grip around the glass Scotch. It was like the glass was a part of him and if he let it go he'd lose a piece of himself. He took one long gulp and finished off the glass.

"Keep them coming, Joe," he spoke across the bar. The surly bartender poured some more of the brown liquid into his glass. He tilted it towards Joe and took a sip. As it hit his mouth, his lips curled and he swallowed. The glass was still clutched in his hand.

Charlie Trout had spent every Birthday at this bar since he was thirteen years old. And this year was no exception. Charlie sat on the exact same stool, drank the exact same brand of Scotch and ordered from the exact same bartender year after year. One would think Charlie Trout's Birthday party would be full of friends, sexy women and located at an exclusive Manhattan club. But that was not the case. Charlie's Birthday was always just a party of one. Or two, if you count Joe the bartender.

Charlie's Birthday didn't just signify his aging. It also represented the anniversary of his mother's death. She died while giving birth to him all those years ago and Charlie's been living with that grief ever since. Charlie's father, media tycoon Bernie Trout, had never once wanted to celebrate his son's Birthday. There were no elaborate Birthday parties for little Charlie. There weren't even Birthday cakes. Nor any wrapped gifts. A Lego set or a toy fire truck were never waiting at the foot of Charlie's bed when he awoke on his Birthday morning. All he ever got was just a deposit into a savings account.

This caused Charlie to believe his father held him responsible for his mother's death. If it weren't for Charlie, Bernie's beloved wife would still be alive. It was Charlie who killed her, Bernie must have thought. And that was why Bernie could never truly love Charlie.

Joe the plumber even made a cameo appearance when he ditched his old job to become an NYC bartender. Sweet.

Serena arrived back at Aaron's place when she saw him and some girl sharing an intimate moment. And good thing Serena breaks up with him! Yay! Now for her to get back with Dan. Or seduce Mike.

Jenny tried to blackmail her own father but Rufus won't budge. Like of course she's her dad for crying out loud, which was what Jenny did on the streets of Brooklyn. Kicked out of Agnes' place, can't stay at their home, she goes to her dad's art gallery to stay. And calls the investor if there's another way to conduct business since her dad (and mom) won't sign the waivers.

Bart and Chuck finally bond, thanks to Dan. If Dan went along with the story, the fangirls will turn into kamikaze pilots and will storm the CW's offices everywhere. And father and son will... watch hockey games together! Sweet!

The other father and son (Rufus and Bart) were also bonding. Rufus commended Dan for using his judgmental attitude in not publishing the story, but Rufus has to fix up his own family. Since Jenny's practically homeless. And Jenny? The only way for her to conduct business is for her to be emancipated. And guess what? You need parents' signatures to get emancipated. I wonder if I'll be able to emancipate myself...

More bonding, mom! This time it's Blair and Serena where they talked about... guess what? Father and son too. Cyrus and Aaron. Cyrus and Blair's mom made up and Cyrus will be staying at the Waldorf Penthouse! Blair's fuming mad, LOL. And Cyrus? Serena must be overly smitten with this guy that she forgave him. WTF? And they went out in the city, with Serena wearing only a nightie. I wonder what will happen if the wind blows.

And there it ends, mom. I know you're not into Monday shows so I guess it'll be good time for you to get started. And it will make you remember me, just think of Blair as me and you'll forget that I was almost ran over by a truck. And did I told you how I escaped unscathed? That's for another email.

xoxo, Bella

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*I did NOT make that up. Right, KStew fans?

Nips/Chuck, or when Blair went to Cubao

You were probably thinking WTF was that? That my friends was Audrey Hepburn in "My Fair Lady." Since Blair is a Audrey of all generations fanatic, she was again dreaming that she is as awesome as Audrey. The thing is, some blonde effs it up for her. Blondes always win.

For me, Yale is the one you'd see at the jeepneys if you're going to Cubao; the thing is I never quite figured out where it is, what I know is that it is beyond Cubao. Oh, the perils of Cubao, the blue and pink footbridge, Gateway Mall, the Big Dome and my hangout the Ketch Store at EDSA. At night. With characters fitting for the newest thriller by Nicolas Sparks.

But for Blair, Yale is end-all of her existence. Ever since Eleanor gave birth to her, she's hellbent on getting into Yale so that she can lay the smack down on one Rory Gilmore and be allies with Paris Geller so that she can make out with some real hot professors. Serena is contented with Brown, Dan ditched Darthmouth since Darthmouth profs ditched Darthmouth for Yale, and Chuck, well, is Chuck.

But Blair wants to screw herself so she laid down the smack down to Serena: you are one major loser like your ex-BF. Serena decides to go to Yale and make out with some really hot professors. And be like Paris. Geller. And to level it up, make out with the dean too. So she goes away as we stare at her hot arse. Awesomeness.

Meanwhile, while at Brooklyn, Jenny and Rufus are having a daughter-daddy fight. Oh, and I thought daddies and daughters are close. So Jenny brought in Vanessa to explain to him that he should watch her work at Eleanor's sweatshop. And Jenny does this while wearing a really red lipstick. Like who wears lipstick on their house? But since Rufus is into red hot lipsticks, he wholeheartedly agrees. Yippee!

So we're off to Yale, and like yours truly, Dan rides the awesome public transport, seeing the splendor that is New York and southern Connecticut. Seeing the way Serena rode on when she ran away from Sheperds, and boys with bangs, Dan thinks of ways to eff up his interview. Like one-liners such as "Will Yale like me?" or "Are there hot blondes in Yale?" Fortunately, Dan does eff it up, and only the dude from the Ivy Mixer sending in a recommendation letter. Old dude and Dan from the future had creative differences so no letters of endearment from them. Sad. At least he has a back-up: go to the Yale English department that was previously Darthmouth's.

Outside in the grassy lawn of Yale are Chuck and Nate, oogling at the hot chicks from New Haven. And one really hot brunette made the toothy grin, and Nate made the hairy bangs move. It was love at first grin. And Chuck? He was abducted by the Tau Gamma peeps. Blair was warming up for the showdown observing some cats waving their hands (check out Kelly Clarkson's "Miss Independent" music video) when someone unexpected showed up. And it was that hot blonde from "The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants 2." Wearing the same worn-out, never been washed pants. And since the dean lurved her, she'll go on a date, with about a dozen other girls, and dudes. Blair was stunned. And fainted when she smelled those filthy pants. Eeew.

So toothy grin girl and man bangs hangs out. But some jocks on the other bench were loudly discussing their disdain for Nate Archibald, since the Knicks made sure the Celtics lose (those were the days, wait did those days ever happen anyway?). Nate has to think of a new name, and what better name to use than... Dan Humphrey! Now to be Dan the man and talk about, how Sartre ended up being mentioned at One Tree Hill.

Chuck is at the Tau Gamma frathouse, where they planned on making Chuck a plant in the upcoming Oblation Run, where Chuck will use his skillz to wreak havoc with the Apo dudes. But Chuck has a way better idea: girls on the frathouse, where boys are starved like lions before Daniel was fed to them.

Blair looked like the cutest girl scout with her get-up, but the dean wasn't impressed: you didn't make out with Lehman Brothers bankers! Too bad you can only make out with JP Morgan Chasers now, they're not as hot as the Lehman boys. Blair, in a last ditch effort, kisses the dean. But the dean was too weirded out and was too wasted with Serena's hotness to even pay attention to the cuteness that was in front of him. Blair left, dejected, but she can always improvise, but as what Tim Foyle said, it often does not work. The girls meet up outside and they trash talk like Mark Cardona and Warren de Guzman, although I would've liked it better if they did what the two UAAP dudes did after they trash talked like hell.

Meanwhile, Rufus stalks Eleanor Waldorf silently from the shadows, totally ignoring what he should be doing there, making Jenny go back to Constance so she can make Elise Wells come back from Mongolia so that they can do with they did at the books. Or so I've read. Somewhere.

The stepsiblings finally meet up, and Chuck spills the beans on Blair's darkest secret: her answer to that night's question: what is the capital of Transnistria. Serena was too dumb to even know what Transnistria is, so she asks for help from some random Yale dude. For a price. Since Serena's so into it, she does it. And loves every millisecond of it.

Toothy grin girl and Dan bangs were in the heat of making out when the real Humphrey Dumpty introduces himself. Nate is grossed out, and dishes out the best Nate Archibald line: "no matter Serena left you." Dan understands. He is the most understanding guy in the world, remember? And remember about the Kelly Clarkson music video? Blair has tons of those waving kittens so receptionist has no choice but to let Blair in da club.

Rufus delivers the verdict: you still have to make out with Elise. Jenny passes a motion for reconsideration.

OH YES PARTY TIME! R U PARTY?!?!?! Serena finally new the capital of Transnistria, and Blair knows it too, but the dean changes the question: who would you talk with, real or imagined? Since the dean wants order, the prospectors answer by alphabetical order, while he draws out the persons from a bowl. Awesome, isn't it? Like abiogenesis has a higher probability of happening than someone randomly picking a names in alphabetical order. And since Waldorf comes before Woodsen, Serena can cheat. Now I know why Nate always effs up in recitations.

As awesome was the frathouse turning into a sex den, the Tau Gamma peeps wanted more: they want Nate Archibald to run naked on campus. So Chuck calls up Nate. And the fun begins. Really.

Blair and Serena are still outwitting each other on Transnistrian politics when the dean starts randomly drawing out names in alphabetical order. As usual, we start with A.

And as usual, Dan was his usual lonely pathetic self when the Skull and Bones jocks abduct him. AND HE WAS SCREAMING "CEDRIC HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" all the while Chuck was satisfied. Too bad Cedric was busy making out with Blair Cabbage Patch kid. Even dolls have their own lives too.

After Blair delivers her answer, even with Serena filibustering, she was able to leave a lasting impression to the dean. Until the dean blurts out Serena's answer: Pete Fairman. You know, the addict Serena gave eternal life. Serena gotted uber pissed but Blair was grinning (oh I love that word) from ear to ear. Serena drags Blair outside as they get ready for their Unfinished Business. Waldorf-van der Woodsen II.

First the obligatory trash talking. Mark Cardona will be proud. Then Serena leaves, and Blair throws her purse, hitting Serena's hair extensions which falls off! Serena exclaims, "You did not just ruin my hair. I spent the entire night making it pretty!" Blair retorts, "My hair's prettier! It has blonde streaks! Like Eric's!" Serena upset, "You did not just bring up Eric!" Blair proudly says, "Oh yes I did!" Serena charges like LaDamian Tomlinson and pushes Blair, Blair pushes her back. Then they were playing a game of "Tag! You're it!" when Serena stripped Blair of her headband! Blair, enraged, strips off Serena her dress! Serena is livid when the jocks saw her in all of her glory, "WTF Blair, you wanna see how others will react when they see you're such a skinny bitch?" while removing Blair's dress. Then they kick each other a la taekwondo black belters, on heels!

All the while while Lily was trying out Serena's dress, the one that exposes her midriff, and really short skirt. Jenny brought Rufus to the Palace, and the two lovebirds met. So they exchanged pleasantries, and bodily fluids, and waved goodbye, all in front of Jenny. She was taking notes, we've heard. The whole point of this scene was for Lily to tell Rufus to make Jenny drop out of high school, since Chuck's plans aren't over for little J.

Nate is bored as usual. And again with his Spidey-sense he overheard the jocks talking about how they beat up the loser that is Nate Archibald. Offended as hell, Nate threw a punch that'll make Dan proud. But Dan is not on his proudest moment as he's half-naked in his boxers tied up at the statue of Handsome Dan. Yes, the mascot of Yale is nicknamed Handsome Dan. Nate arrives and was at the point of releasing Dan from the shackles of poverty when he saw the statue's name. WTF? Are you that self-serving? Eff you. Good thing toothy grin girl arrived to save the day. And she's a daughter of a navy guy, she can loose out knots. Yeah, like engineers' daughters can solve the vector relationships of two walls or whatever.

The catfight was over, and the two wear picking up their ripped clothing. They agree never to speak at each other ever again and they leave singing the "Where You Lead."

The next day, Jenny was wearing something 15-year-olds won't wear at their house, but I don't care. She and Vanessa awaits Rufus' decision. And Daddy obliges. Thanks to the hotness that is Lily Bass. Blair and Serena make out, and realize they should remain as BFFs, and apologize to the deans when they trashed his yard. Nate, Dan and toothy grin girl fix up Dan's Yale application as Dan wonders when can be Nate Archibald's version of Dan Humphrey. Chuck basically says "screw you" to the Tau Gamma peeps, and Nate confronts Chuck about the events of last night and said he wasn't happy. And he'll be happier riding the train with his new BFF Dan. Blair and Serena were hot in love with each other as they leave Yale and leave New Haven knowing Serena would go to Yale, and Blair was to skinny to even enter via a athletic scholarship for their field hockey team. Jenny's back at the sweatshop for good, and Lily was trying out some hotter clothing the next time she watches the Yankees. Next spring. HA!

Good bye New Haven, welcome back, Hell's Kitchen.

The Seed of Chucky, or the episode where Bart made out with Lily. For realz.

Oh yes, fashion week, as if I know what this is. Guess what, I did some research. Apparently, fashion week began because the French were such losers in World War II so Americans began their own exhibition since Adolf Hitler was too drunk to discern the differences between the French and the Jews, so he just killed them all in the same. So the dearth of French designers caused, what the heck, you came here not to read a history lesson so let's carry on.

The Humphrey children are discussing on how to prevent the fate of the French. It's refreshing to see Dan's polo shirt have the same length as Jenny's uniform. It's like a Japanese anime Sailor Moon, only that Jenny doesn't say "moon power make up". She does wield an entire bag of make up kits though. Dan tells her that Yale pirated the entire Darthmouth English department a la the Somalians. Meanwhile, Blair is busy making the Eleanor Waldorf fashion show the fashion show to end all fashion shows. The van der Woodsens, who came to America from the Netherlands after Hitler made sure Anne Frank and her cohorts are being wasted at Auschwitz, were busy discussing how Lily was so hot back in the day, and how Serena will turn into East Coast's Paris Hilton.

Meanwhile, after we saw the old Constance+St. Jude's facade, we now see the new one, where Blair and Chuck were busy planning on how to retake Europe from Hitler's evil plans. If you've studied at UST's Faculty of Arts and Letters, you'll notice that the girls' uniform is practically the same with what Blair is wearing as she's telling Chuck that Rufus Humphrey is the hottest dad. Ever. And that she'll make out with him later in the episode. Of course, Chuck won't be outdone, but since he's too emo, he'd get help from the unlikeliest of sources: Dan Humphrey 30 years from now. And right after Blair pwned Chuck, Serena pwned Blair without lifting a strand of hair.

About Dan of the future, he throws back to Dan of the present his manuscript full of red ink. I guess editors from both non-fiction and fiction worlds are of the same color: red. That's why this blog is called "Verbatim," since no one edits this. That also explains why the posts here reads funny (and I don't mean as in "Triumph the Insult Dog funny" but "WTF I can't understand this funny"). And WTF on the Charlie Trout name, might as well call him Carlos Dilis. So Dan of the future tells Dan of the present to stalk Charlie Trout so he can find something interesting to write about.

Meanwhile, the most awesome part of the episode came in early: Gossip Girl disses in Kristen Dunst. But every diss is always short-handed. Kristen Dunst is soooo 2000, not 2007. So Jenny suggests to grab another character from the copycat show: get Natalie Kimpton and call her Poppy Lifton! Wasted people who watch both shows won't notice the difference.

Back at the Bass suite, Dan beats up the Bass elevator man so he can get inside Chuck's suite. He meets Chuck and they make out like this show is aired on cable. Chuck asks him if he practices autoeroticism, and Dan answers an enthusiastic YES! Forget about NUck, it's time for DUck! And DUck will get to hang out. Niceeeeee. Meanwhile, at the Waldorf penthouse, remember that Blair had a nervous breakdown when Vanessa's phone blurted out "check operator services"? This time Blair was at the point of passing out when Dorota told her that it was Jenny who dissed Kristen Dunst, the Audrey Hepburn of the 2000s. And since Blair is the fan of the Audrey Hepburns of any era, she was pissed as hell. And when she's pissed, she formulates a plan even Hitler would not even dream of thinking...

...because it effed up terribly. But Eleanor dishes in the dirt on Jenny, and Blair has the trump card. Or has she? They meet each other on the way out, and Jenny realizes, wow, I'm screwed.

So it's time for DUck, and the waiter gave DUck 6 shots of some alcoholic drink I'd rather not identify. Dan is at the point of effing things up so Chuck tells him: briefcase or no briefcase? Dan chose no briefcase and he continued Chuck's game.

The last time the van der Woodsens had a brunette guest at their family dinner, bad things happened. Serena didn't learn her lesson so she still invited Poppy, and we finally saw her. And Poppy and Lily combined forces to convince Serena to pwn Blair some more. Nothing like Chamberlain convincing Churchill that he restored peace for our time.

Finally Blair was able to find her way into the maze that is Brooklyn and stuns Rufus with a hot and wet kiss only reserved for the likes of Sandy Cohen. Rufus was so into it, but remembers that Blair must be here for something so he asks her: "Who do you work for?" Blair, smiling at the end of every sentence, drops the bomb: Jenny's skipping school.

DUck calls the night over, and I'm surprised Dan is still awake. With all of those alcohol you should either be wasted or in a bloody mess, but of course Chuck has some more tricks up his sleeve. Sensing that Dan is uncomfortable, he tells him to remove his shoes. He does and Chuck kicks him out of the limo. In Newark. New Jersey. The state where there are more swamps than the fans of the New Jersey Devils. Raining. With Joey Potter. Wait, WTF he's in Wilmington, North Carolina? At least Dan is shoeless, he won't be accused of being a Richard Reid wannabe.

Blair starts the blitzkrieg and Jenny weepily says goodbye to her beloved fabrics she has dearly loved. Blair was there to witness the pwnage but Jenny and her allies won't be that easy to put down. The next day, we now learn that the Humphreys have been kicked out of the loft and are now living at a motel, and Jenny has to meet the head-bitch of Constance. No, it's not Serena or even Blair, it's the dreaded Miss Queller. But Jenny wants to be the Kira Plastinina of this generation so she'll do whatever it takes, wait Kira Plastinina is the Kira Plastinina of this generation.

Finally it's the showdown: remember on the second episode prior to the Bass brunch where Blair smacked down Serena's hot ass? This time, Serena told her she'll go to the show, right at Blair's face. Remember Leningrad, Nazis, that was when the tide turned. At the other side of town, Dan of the future still hates Dan of the present. And he tells him go eff him. Dig up dirt, and hang out his dirty laundry. You can do it Humphrey! And girl Humphrey finally met up with the evil Miss Queller. Wearing a dress 15-year-olds aren't supposed to dress.

Lily's been busy hunting down a certain photograph, OK, lemme put it bluntly, some porn she did when she was Serena's age. But her P.I. was one-upped by a certain Bart Bass. Lily doesn't know what to do. That P.I. must have been named Keith.

Then we see Jenny at Eleanor's show, along with the Tinz (Tinsley Mortimer). And Blair was surprised to see Jenny. Blair won't be one-upped by a sophomore, so she improvises. Blair, a basic tenet of suspects is that if they improvise, the plan would most likely fail. You should've asked Chuck Bass for help. Speaking of the Bass-tard, he was lonely at the bar. And what better way to lift up your spirits after talking to RoboCop is to hang out with Lonely Boy himself, who interviews him using the technique everyone uses: the magic mirror.

So ano Chuck Bass, isipin mo sa magic mirror ay nandon si Papa Bart. Anong sasabihin mo sa kanya, etech? Chuck was too lonely to even comprehend what language Lonely Boy was speaking, so he just told him RoboCop is meaner than Mean Girls. Finally he got bored so he went to the nearest chick available and offered his services. Too bad chick didn't oblige, and her BF was boiling when Dan intervened. Dan of the future said: "be ruthless!" And when BF was about to break Chuck's neck, Dan comes to the rescue and ray guns him until his isang-daang porsyento ng kapangyarihan is depleted. Awesome.

The rest of the fashion show is that Jenny thinks of a way to fix Blair's screwing. And for the Tinz to do something worthwhile, she models the hippest Eleanor Waldorf designs. And Poppy lets go and makes out with Serena after telling her that she's so hot and she should totally dump Blair. Blair improvises some more and hands out Jenny's dress to Serena. Amazingly, Jenny's dress fits wonderfully to Serena's oh-so-hot body, and Blair grins a la Demi Lovato in the distance.

DUck is thrown to jail. And Dan does his best Chino Trinidad impression giving us the play-by-play action inside their jail cell. And just like Manny Pacquiao thanking "No Per" apparel at the end of his fights, Chuck disses the dish: his mom died when she gave birth to him, that's why RoboCop is so cold to him. Enter SPO1 to inform Mr. Bass that he's free. Good thing he'll instruct his lawyers to help Dan as they shake each others hands, and they make out, in the Showtime version of the show. Awesome?

Bart arrives from wherever he came from, bringing Lily the prettiest necklace since "Seventeen Candles." But Bart sensed (he's RoboCop, remember?) it wasn't what Lily was expecting, so he asks her: WTF do you want? Lily demands to see the photograph to view her former splendor, and Bart makes out with her. FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER IN THE HISTORY OF THE SHOW. But Bart has more dirt in which a P.I. named Keith happily dug up.

Eleanor finally notices Serena's dress: WTF that's not my dress! Jenny talks sense into Blair, and to make the long story short, she said "I wanna be your friend." Like, really, Little J?

Did you know that even NYC policemen are incompetent? PO1 guy threw Chuck the wrong bag, and Lonely Boy gets busted. Ooops. And Bart drops the bomb to Lily in the form of an envelope. Lily is shocked. What could be it? Serena was born as a brunette? ODK*!

Eleanor is fuming. Jenny betrayed her. But the curly haired left hand told her that the Tinz is RAVING about Serena's dress. Like the Big Ben fitted inside that skirt! Good way to hide their anorexic little bodies approaching the sizes not heard of since Annie Wilson went to the West Coast. Jenny pleaded to Eleanor to tell them that is Eleanor's own dress, (Like she just plagiarized it from her, heck it even happens in the fashion world. Who knew?) And Eleanor's head is spinning, so what the hell, Jenny escapes unscathed. All the while Rufus was throwing molotov cocktails outside the show, "Lemme in! Miss Queller ditched me because of Jenny! I HAD A CHANCE! ARGH!"

And the other Humphrey? Dan of the future saved Dan of the present from incarceration and Danny Boy lived to fight another day, only that his judgmental ass made him not use Chuck's secret, much to the dismay of Dan of the future. DotF goes away sobbing, and he disappeared into the dark Long Island night, just as the Yankees did this year.

Jenny is the toast of the town, and Rufus doesn't like it one bit. But nothing's stopping little Humphrey dumpty. She ditched the bitches, Constance and Nelly Yuki. For good. And Serena? She ditched Blair, just as when Blair was about to do a better liplock. Guess what B, a hotter brunette was all Serena wanted to be free. But she's not free to the paps though.

Next week: Serena appears on TMZ, Blair issues a challenge, and the two duke it out MMA style. In heels. In the name of Peter Fairman. All new Gossip Girl next week, actually maybe a couple of days from now. OXOX.

One Leigh Hill, or the episode when we ditched headbands for scarves

Break-up's a bitch. I should know right? Like in every gossip column, the broke-up couple becomes friends, and they're all civil to one another, but no, in real "real" life, break-ups are nastier than the hair of Vanessa Abrams. Breaking up is not hard to do, it's what to do when the break-ups over: be like Logan Echolls and sulk in your room all day or be Serena van der Woodsen and introduce a new fashion statement: ditch the headbands gals, it's time to wear scarves!

Lily's back from watching underaged Chinese gymnasts tiebreak their way to the gold medal, and what better way to be back is for Chuck to deliver the news that she and Dan broke up for like 34566 times the whole summer. The Humphrey males are more open discussing their sex lives, too bad Jenny's a girl. And girls in high school have cliques. Like I've been to high school, and they did do that, but it wasn't that fierce. But Constance isn't your ordinary school so, Jenny's screwed for the rest of her Constance days.

The posse have an interview of their new inductees: a daughter of the Knicks doctor, Eliot Spitzer's 12 girlfriends, and some Hilary Clinton plants. While Blair's having the time of her life screwing other people's lives, Serena goes to school and sees Dan diligently scribbling the sequel to "5-18-08", and realizes that she's screwed. Blair finds a new girl to train to be the next Jenny Humphrey. And Blair and the Lawd are having the time of their lives. And apparently, Nate and Vanessa weren't really friends. Maybe they're Myspacers.

Meanwhile, Dan teaches Jenny "Being a Loner 101", and perhaps Jenny can learn some more from me if she needs more prerequisites on being a loser. But Dan being the loser that he is, he (it looks unintentional) bumps into a girl with the fringe (bangs if you're American). And when you bump into each other of course you exchange names, address, sex and location. In true shy girl fashion, she says sweetly, "Hi, I'm Amanda!" Too bad Serena saw Dan and the girl bonding and her day just got worse. After checking out the competition's stats, Blair remarks "She is a Dan Humphrey with boobs", but doesn't Dan have manboobs? But apparently Serena doesn't get it since she thinks her hair is like spaghetti

The Duchess wants to screw things up so she goes to the gallery/cafe, and hands Vanessa an envelope. And just as the usual telenovela fashion, when Vanessa was checking out the contents of the envelope, the Duchess vanishes like Obi Wan-Kenobi.

Back at school, Dan and Serena meet each other for the first time, and agree that they'll be civil to each other for the meantime. And just when Serena asks Dan for lunch, Amanda comes bouncing around and pwns Serena that she's eating Dan's lunch of waffles. Too bad Serena doesn't like Chuck's lunch. So Blair has to take matters into her own hands, again.

And of course, since Lily's back, she'd go to Rufus to screw around, er say hello. And unlike Lily, Rufus moved on with Vanessa Claire Bennet, and Rufus' parents brought him up not to destroy Serena and Chuck's incestious relationship (more on that later).

So Blair meets up with Amanda, and screws up the DAmanda lunch. What can Amanda do? Or Serena? As we gaze as Serena and her really short skirt. So tell me, where is St. Jude's? Since the skirts of the Constance uniform are really short, and I can still pass up as a high school senior so...

Vanessa does not want to be bought either by Blair, Chuck or the Duchess so she returns the envelope to the Duchess. Apparently the Duchess was away so V just placed the envelope on a desk. Well of course that's such a boring conclusion to the storyline so the writers tells her to pick up the envelope, snoop around, and open the door. She sees the Duchess and the Lawd scoring a home run. Too bad the Yankees can't score enough home runs this year, so go Red Sox!

And oh, I forgot, in true Gossip Girl fashion, V wields out her camera-phone and snaps up the two cozying up.

(You know for all of the creepiness and sickness of what I write here and elsewhere, I should've called for this to happen. Or maybe I did it on my twisted mind. I dunno, must've forgot about that.)

Dan's bummed. He doesn't want to be lonely for lunch, WTF he's lonely boy, he can manage. Chuck hums by and tells him that Amanda's in Rwanda with the bitches committing ethnic cleansing. Dan is mortified about this and eats his waffles alone, sobbing about the sorry state affairs of East African states. Out of nowhere, V calls D, and off they go to see Idi Amin's final resting place.

So it's LUNCH TIME! The part when your tummy send signals to your brain that you need to consume those burgers at McDonald's. And since the Met's steps are being paved a la an inclined plane, they eat on a crappier place. Maybe on the steps of the home of the New York Islanders. Just when Blair was about the bring it on, Serena stops her, and treats Amanda to a basket of Humphrey waffles. Her treat!

Dan has a different kind of lunch: he and V discuss how Blair should take down the Duchess to make sure she goes back at the other side of the pond. Dan recommends Blair, and that says a lot on the "a-couple" of season four.

After lunch, Dan saw his friend the Flash and tagged along for a 5-second back to the school, where he met up with Serena and as usual, Serena explained, and Dan bitched like a girl. And since Dan is now the girl in the relationship, Serena steps her game up and gets into whore mode. Remember, whore > bitch. Always.

And just as Serena left, off bounces Amanda and invites Dan to a girls' night out.

Vanessa shows to Blair the pic, and Blair is enraged: you only showed me a pic? What? Your phone doesn't allow you to record videos? WTF? You low-life bitch! And when she was about to send the pic, the phone cried "Check operator services". Blair had a nervous breakdown. Poor girl.

So it's, I dunno, under-age drinking at the bar time? DAmanda were having a great time, and Amanda leads him in front of the bitches. Amanda produces a half-smile sweetly to the bitches as they snap pics like the TMZ paparazzi.

Now for my favorite scene: Jenny throws a pillow at Dan's face while he was sleeping, he got pissed so they had a pillow fight, and Jenny got sweaty and stuff and she was moaning in tiredness, and you get the drift. Jenny won so she tells him to apologize to Serena for hanging out with Little Miss Hannah Montana.

Now for my second-favorite scene: Chuck caresses Serena's mole, S gets so turned on, and squees to her delight when Chuck gives her a grilled cheese sandwich. S is so grateful they do the nasty, in bed. After a morning of wet and wildness, S sees the pics from TMZ and figures, "I must do something to win! I can't be like Blair last week!"

Jenny's thrilled to see Vanessa at school, like "I'm so NOT alone anymore!" Too bad she's looking for Blair, and for that, she'd have to ask the bitches. The bitches hand out the information, but not after they tell her what things they might do to her as the season tags along.

I don't get it: aren't you allowed to date someone if you're broken-up? Or bring a date in front of your ex's friends? In any case, Serena's pissed as hell, and Dan blurts out a few choice words. Then Nelly Yuki puts a light bulb above Serena's head, and it lights up! Serena and DAmanda will go on a triple date! Sweet?

Vanessa goes at some high-end restaurant and sees Blair snugging up the Lawd. Vanessa, after careful deductive reasoning, concludes that Blair screwed it up. V, heed D's advice: trust BW! Just as V left, B spilled the beans, and Catherine doesn't like it. So B lays down the cards. And V takes matters, heck, she talked with the Duke.

A whole day ended and it's now the threesome between Serena and DAmanda. Serena doesn't know that "Ubermensch" really is Superman, and that Friedrich Nietzsche proclaimed the death of God, of which DAmanda were happily blabbing about, so the bitches came in to help with the captain of Dalton lacrosse team. Now Serena and the Dalton guy was talking about sports, and DAmanda think they're in intellectual high ground so screw them.

Serena and Dan talked, and Serena got all pissed and Dan couldn't do anything. Dan said that they must spend time apart, and Serena suggested DAmanda to leave, hey after all, that bar is her turf. And then we see Chuck in the most ridiculous costume and mocks Dan some more.

Nate does his best "Hey <insert name here>!" impression so B spills the beans: The Duchess and the Lawd are off to rainy ol'England if B keeps her mouth shut. Too bad V effed things up. Speaking of effing up, Chuck places some blue stuff on a glass, and the bitches pour it into Amanda's hair. Amanda freaks out when she sees her hair is on fire!!!!!! Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh! Dan gets screwed and is angry as Marion Jones after roid rage.

Back at the waffle factory, Lily brings in some Gran Matador and a pirated DVD of "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2" for her and Rufus to watch. Sadly, Rufus doesn't reciprocate and she gives him the Gran Matador anyway, since it's his favorite. All because Claire Bennet made an appearance, with a shovel lodged on her back.

Blair ran a la Usain Bolt all the way to Brooklyn to tell to V's face how she effed everything up. Instead of the Archibalds getting money from the Duchess, Nate got nothing, all because V effed it! Argh!

Serena and Dan are pissed on what happened to Amanda; Serena went to Dan to apologize but he ditches the dirt: it's not your fault Serena! (I remember the stairwell scene on Bad News Blair), and Dan tells her the nutcracker: "show us the real you". Girl will now be in control, since things would have to come through her, first.

Vanessa now comes after Nate, and Nate says, we were never friends, right? Screw you and your no-load cellphone. Jenny gets pwned by the bitches, and Dan voicemails Serena, and he doesn't really blame Serena that much. WTF?

And the dynamite, if you think the Lawd and the Duchess bringing it on all or nothing to win it was the plot twist of the episode, wait till you see this: Amanda was Chuck's plant. And it was his intention to let the queen in Serena rise from the ashes. And Amanda's going to boarding school with Georgina!

What are Chuck's motives? So Blair's life would be effed up? So Dan's life would be effed up? So Serena's life would be effed up? So Nate and him will finally do it while the whole school is transfixed to World War IV, in hockey sticks? What?

Meanwhile, I don't get Jenny's last scene. If anyone knows, comment it here.

Like a soul refusing to undergo nirvana, Serena and the bitches, yes you've read that right, "Serena and the bitches," lay down the hammer. Serena removes her scarf, and places it on Blair's shoulders. Apparently Blair gets the symbolism, but she's too effed up to do something it. And Chuck? Let's say his team finally wins, for now.

And Dan Humphrey? I think you were supposed to feel bad on the very last scene, but you shouldn't. Not because Dan is an ass, but because he's Dan Humphrey. He's lonely boy, screw you high school students, as long as I know who ubermensch really is, I'm better than all of you. As we end the episode, we see Dan all alone, in the courtyard.

H.B.I.C. (or in this case, H.B.I.H.S.) Serena, how we missed you. Xoxo.

Upper East Side, 10075

Hello Baysiders, Manila Bay, that is. The Northern Hemisphere summer is ending and the couples and non-couples are steaming up New York. Dan and Serena are doing it a la Pancakes (that’s “The O.C.” reference), The Lawd and Blair are like Prince William and Kate Middleton, if only they’re still a couple, and the Duchess and Nate are like TomKat, only that the “Tom” is prettier.

Chuck is sucking lollipops at the Palace, Vanessa is so like “un-Vanessa” and Jenny is Eleanor’s slave. Jenny’s brother and his GF can’t prevent PDAs so some Taylor Townsend wannabe takes a photo of them locking uvulas.

Vanessa and Nate met up and of course in all TV shows, the “second party” was right there snooping around. Blair of course gives Serena the best relationship advice: screw Dan Humphrey talk about da reasons, while the camera pans up Blake Lively’s hottest feature: her ass mole.

The next scene gets gayer: Nate and Chuck make out up, and Nate sees that Chuck is two-timing him. Bad boy! Eleanor’s right hand makes Jenny’s life a living hell, times two. And as Jenny was bitching about Eleanor’s design, the right hand slaps Jenny like hell (times two) with her left hand.

Back at the park, Dan and Serena were playing tonsil hockey when the mini-Blair, the mini-Serena and the third girl who I don’t know who she was supposed to be, do their best pep squad impersonations, too bad the “couple” didn’t reciprocate.

Now when Vanessa and Nate were at the moment of locking lips, the Duchess texted Nate and we were deprived of a chance to prove that Chace Crawford was a heterosexual. And with good timing, Blair arrives and invites the two to a partaaaaaaaaaay! Yay?

Serena and Chuck have a brother/sister bonding session and of course Serena sits on the kitchen counter, her ass making contact on that counter…. Oooooooooooooh, ah………….

I forgot, Serena told Chuck to have sex with Blair. NOW!

Jenny’s mouth continues a la Autumn Reeser’s character from the Orange County show and she gets pwned by Eleanor. And she promptly fires her, on the spot. Jenny moves 10 degrees slower than normal as she collects her things to go away.

Nate and the Lawd had a pep talk, and of course, the Lawd effs things up for Blair as he tells the Chace that mommy is coming. Of course the Chace doesn’t want for Vanessa and the Duchess to meet so he un-invites Vanessa. So she runs back to daddy Rufus. And they make out like hell. Now, that’s hot.

So it’s PARTAAAAAAAAAAAAY TIME! Chuck seduces Blair the way you see it on Filipino romance novels, only that it’s ten times hotter and Blair finds sex disgusting. Really, B? Will you say that later? At the other end of the building. Dan and Serena wants to contribute to global warming so they ride the elevator, like as if anyone uses the stairs to get into Blair’s penthouse…

Back at the party, Blair was disappointed when Vanessa didn’t show up with Nate. Just when we see Vanessa show up. And reminiscent of Die Hard 4.0, the entire East Coast Manhattan Island goes black. Just as if it’ll really happen in real life (your two women meeting each other at a party and the entire city goes black).

So Nate explains to Vanessa, but like Dan, she judges him for sleeping with Mrs. Robinson. But because she gives him money, Vanessa suddenly has the time to hear stories so he tells how he and Chuck became best friends forever. And just when we think the Duchess and Blair are bonding, they exchange clichés and what not.

Stuck at the elevator, Dan calls the elevator people. Seeing they won’t be going there until the sun rises up, Serena tells her to tell the elevator people that Lucy McClane she’s with him, and voila! They’re COMING!

Remember that Jenny that took a long time for her to clean up her desk? Guess what, she even had the guts to say goodbye to Eleanor. Eleanor wouldn’t let a minor as hot as Jenny go outside the dark city late at night so the boss allows her to hang around. And inquire upon her fashionista types. Just like how Roger Ebert dissed Freddy Got Fingered, Jenny dissed Eleanor Designs since it makes models look like witches from the Salem Witch Trials. And just like Tom Green receiving the awards at the Razzies, Eleanor accepted the dissing. For real.

After Nate told Vanessa his first real relationship with Chuck, Vanessa still does a Dan but she finally went to the point: do you really want to screw the Duchess? Nate tells her she wants to screw with her, and they bond like Mighty Bond and paper.

Blair needs sex like babies need milk, so she tells the Lawd to meet her at her room. And Vanessa has a showdown with the Duchess. Too bad the Duchess shows the trump card, and Vanessa has nothing to show but her Shear Genius-styled hair. What the heck is it?

Alone at her dark room, Chuck uses his best British accent (Wait, Ed Westwick IS British!) and we have the hottest sex on TV since Trey and Marissa on the O.C. Blair’s mom accepted Jenny’s apology, and Jenny tells her some story that may be half-true but what the heck.

Dan and Serena are sweaty inside the elevator, like that place has no ventilation! And it’s tiny and humid. Good thing Serena is not claustrophobic, but Dan is, so he jumps up and down to open the shaft from the ceiling. Serena gets pissed but Dan fell to the floor and they finally talk. She realizes that they keep on having the same fight, the war of the classes: the bourgeoisie vs. the proletariat. If Karl Marx were alive, he’d be watching the greatest show ever.

The lights come up, and Nate goes to the room, but instead of seeing V, he sees the Duchess. The Lawd sees Blair and Chuck screwing like dogs on the street, only that they’re clothed. The Lawd gets pissed and just like in the previous season, Chuck gets sucker punched. And just like on season 1, the girl goes with the guy that sucker punched Chuck. With Chuck’s juices still flowing inside Blair, she tells him: “let’s make out!” as they make up.

Nate catches up with Vanessa, and she tells her that she’s out. For good. The Duchess wins! And Nate is the prize. How effing sweet!

Jenny and Eleanor bond some more so we see Rufus’ date: it’s Vanessa! some girl that looks like Vanessa! Her name’s Claire Bennet! Jenny introduces Eleanor to daddy and Claire, and Eleanor rehires Jenny. Why does Jenny always get away with everything? WHY?!

The elevator people didn’t come, but the door opens, and Dan and Serena ends it. They make out one last time, what the heck, I can’t take this anymore! I’m to sad, and I’m not even emo. At least that what I’d like what I perceive myself to be.

Ever watched America’s Next Top Model? No? Good. Because the contestants there won’t make Chuck activate the thing that needs to be activated. Just it’s like remote control, there are only certain types of battery that are suitable, AAA won’t be suitable for an AA remote control, and Chuck knows this, so he’d just practice what the hero did in 40 Days and 40 Nights.

Back in Brooklyn, the Brooklynites sulk on their failed relationships, V tells D that N is a gigolo. And V tells the Duchess’ trump card: Catherine knows where Howard the Captain is. With all of the sad music, the episodes ends as Dan puts his arms on Vanessa’s shoulders.

Next week: Amanda Bynes guests stars as Dan’s new giggly girlfriend, and Vanessa discovers that the Duchess came from the Netherlands. All new Gossip Girl, to be trashed by an all-new Chuck.

S.O.A.P.: Sex on a party

What's better than sex on a limo? Snakes Sex on a plane bus, of course! Too bad we didn't see it. We Darena shippers are being short-changed. It would’ve been nice to see the mechanics of doing it while inside a moving vehicle that you have no control of. Like you can make a limo stop but buses are like people, they move about by themselves. But unlike people that make chaos when they bump into something.

And while you’re watching this episode, you’d think you’re watching a Grey’s Anatomy episode, you know, that show where they showcase the very best of human anatomy, and the best ways on how to operate the different apparatuses of the human body. Only that they’re not in a hospital (Grey’s Anatomy is set on a hospital?!) and they’re younger than Isabel Evans on Roswell’s first season.

So fittingly, the first scene is "the morning after.” Dan and Serena slept under the stars, a la Jamie and Landon, in midst of the warm summery air, stupid starfishes kicking sand on your face, and the occasional wave that can make you wetter than Aquaman. Chick boy and the chick makes out some more, tell each other to avoid each other, but they don’t resolve their issues. Oh, teenagers. (Wait, Serena is a teenager?! (Hey, at least it’s not that bad when you compare her to the other blonde on the new show.))

Blair and Lawd Mharkus share a high cholesterol breakfast. But Lawd Mharkus doesn’t want Blair to see his mum (they spell this way in the UK). Blair, sporting a BW (guess what that means) necklace, is pissed as Taylor Townsend whenever her stalking goes wrong, so she calls BFF. BFF has no real advice anyway so she and Dan meet up outta nowhere and they go the City. Meanwhile, Chuck and Lawd Mharkus start their bromance as Bass invites The Lawd into a friendly game of squash, and Blair is so not thrilled.

And I thought we’d never get to see Nate’s mother (yes, she exists!) but here she comes thinking of a clever way to screw up the screw up. Nate doesn’t like what he hears so he goes back to the City. With Chuck, of course. Too bad Nate’s not into scheming, but I heard he’s into cougars…

Speaking of the cougar, we see her sharing a conversation with Lawd Mharkus over the phone. Is the cougar two-timing the two-timer who was victimized by a two-timer? Blair giggles her way into Lawd Mharkus as they hop into the limo and drink a liquid “that tastes like stars.”

Dan is on the bus listening to powerviolence music (you know, the Locust, Man Is The Bastard) while Serena is across the aisle eating chocolate-dipped strawberries. I dunno if it’s just rich people, but strawberries? They don’t sell quail eggs there? Add a little piece of paper with a pinch of salt so that the eggs actually taste something?

Humphrey was so into his type of music when Serena offered a taste of yummy strawberries. Dan was into dreamland with the Australian aborigines so Serena had to make use of attention-grabbing activities for boys that Lily (who still must be enjoying her honeymoon with Mister Bass.) taught her when she was in fifth grade. Dan obliged and we see Serena and Dan go to the back of the bus, and consummate their relationship. It wasn’t seen if it was the conventional way but it is still sex so…

Meanwhile, Lawd Mharkus and Blair share more giggles and Blair realizes in order to be be the game, you’d have to beat the game so she has to hold a party for the sole reason on impressing Lawd Mharkus. Also on the way to the City are the real BFFs Chuck and Nate. Apparently Chuck is into the game and he wants to play. So it’s game on between Blair and Chuck. The winner gets to share the night with Serena.

Back at the shiny place they call Brooklyn, Rufus is back from touring with the Pussycat Dolls, and to mark the occasion, filmmaker cum interior designer Vanessa redesigns the art gallery into something that is more presentable. Sparks fly as Vanessa and Rufus exchange their thoughts about The Communist Manifesto and War and Peace and we’re led to believe that they’re so into it.

Across the East River, Lawd Mharkus and Chuck share a passionate game of squash were they’re all sweaty and must’ve smelled really bad. You’d probably think this a part of some Protocols of the Elders of Chuck to take over the world. It is. With the ball deep on her team's category, Blair is not having a good time on planning her game plan, so she invites Dan Humphrey. Since Dan is into ARSEnal, he’d be useful in Blair’s game against Lawd Mharkus. Score a safety for Team Bass.

More gayness for Chuck: he sells Victrola so that he can give the Archibalds money. So sweet. But I guess Nate will find something a lot sweeter. So he went to Brooklyn and met up with Punky Brewster. Not knowing what happened between her and Rufus, Nate manbangs his way to charm Punky. Too bad nature calls and Manbangs goes away, but like McArthur, he shall return.

Chuck levels-up his game and meets The Lawd’s mom: Duchess Catherine. Yes, Lawd Mharkus and the cougar are mother-son, or stepmother and stepson. Field-goal for Team Bass.

PARTY TIME! And Lawd Mharkus isn’t giggly. Neither is Blair. Serena is trying her best Brooke Davis voice and Blair seems happy to see Dan who is apparently a big Chelsea fan (+10000000000000 points for Team Humphrey!), and so is Serena. The BFFs get pwned a little more until Team Bass brings the duchess. Blair gets pwned and it seems it’s 1st and goal for Team Bass.

The world has run out of sparks as Vanessa and Rufus hoarded it to increase the price of crude oil as they have another steamy scene together. Back at the party, Blair gets pwned more as Tony Romo is about to cross the goal line when he sees Jessica Simpson Nate. So Nate and the cougar share pleasantries and everything else is just gravy. 4th and goal for Team Bass.

Nate for his part didn’t appreciate the liquidation of Victrola. He was so going to make it Gossip Girl’s Central Perk but Chuck had the sweetest plan ever but Nate didn’t buy it. I wonder what could be sweeter? Nothing else but sex on the elevator, that’s what. Nate even caught Dan and Serena in the heat of passion. Possibly a sign of things to come…

Nate and the cougar meet at the Waldorf library and they discuss the future, you know when the duchess divorces the duke, they get married, and have kids like Jenny Humphrey. Speaking of the Humphreys, Rufus finally comes home to see Jenny’s fruits of her labo(u)r. I bet Rufus was a tad bit disappointed when the dress was too small for him. Awwwwwwww.

Blair now gets into Taylor Townsend mode as she tiptoes her way to the library. Like how the missionaries speak very silently at night to plan how to spread the word of God without alarming the emirs and caliphs. She opens the door and finds no one. She was about to close the door when she hears someone slurping really hard like the straw is blocked by the gulaman in the samalamig. Blair tiptoes some more and she sees Nate and the cougar really into the heat of passion. In the position I expounded earlier. Fully clothed. OH MY EFFING GOD!

Nate and Catherine clean up their mess, Nate goes away, Blair hands over her stiletto back to Catherine. Breaking news: Tom Brady got an INT! Randy Moss gets the ball and runs 105 yards for the touchdown! TOUCHDOWN TEAM WALDORF!

The Humphreys are baaaaack. I dunno if it’s that good, but at least Dan is now expanding his horizons so he’s writing a novel now. And they go American Indian. Or should I say Native American. Back at the Palace, Chuck doesn’t know happened, and Blair basks at her victory. Luckily for Team Bass and Tom Brady, there’s always next season. Or in Chuck’s case, a new episode.

Vanessa is sadder than the time Gabriella Montez found out Troy was gay when V found out N can’t make it. Since the cougar gave a ton of money to N for his services. Now that, my dear readers, is sweeter than saccharin.

Spotted! Gossip Girl is at the West Coast!

...and her name is Silver! But don't call her Erin or else the only response you'd get from her "would be silence and a death stare."

So you know you're old when you at least saw an episode Beverly Hills, 90210 on its original run. Luckily for me, I was too jologs young to watch the original Beverly Hills.

But I would admit I saw Jennie Garth from What I Like About You (you know, that sitcom with Amanda Bynes), so I can say with absolutely certainty that I'm a total outsider when it comes to L.A.'s northern suburb. Feel free to ask me about LA's southern suburb, the place where the Angels and the Ducks play.

So apparently, Kansas dad (why is it always in Kansas? Why not Nebraska, hell why not Idaho?), had a cute kid, followed the initiative of Sandy Cohen and adopted a kid. So, Kansas dad somewhat gets the job of school principal at West Beverly Hills High School, and he tags along the entire family to a road trip not seen since Beavis and Butthead Do America, all the while we see the prettiness of Los Angeles hearing "Viva la Vida." Yes, that overly cold song from Coldplay. Like I love this song, but when you're moving your entire family from the Great Plains to the big city, you'd listen to something happier. Something in the vein of "Young Folks."

Wanna know why Gossip Girl's grandma CeCe got de-devilized? Her awesomeness was sucked in by Grandma Tabitha. Grandma welcomes daddy, granddaughter, adoptive grandson, and naturally, not mommy. Bro and sis bond at the pool, with sis wearing a two-piece bikini (and she didn't even took a swim). Heck, even GG made us wait to see Blair and Serena on the pool for twelve episodes, 90210 made us wait for 3 minutes. Finally, we're off to see the credits for the first time. They rehashed the original 90210 theme but they made sure the rehasher was into emo music.

So siblings Annie and Dixon goes to school for the first time. Annie sees her old "friend" having sex the unconventional way (in broad daylight, no less!), Dixon makes it to the lacrosse team, Annie becomes friends with the Blair wannabe, Annie gets in the school musical (Gabriella Montez would be very proud), Annie and Blair wannabe gets busted for plagiarism, Dixon gets busted for being a Dan wannabe (for sucker punching the Chuck wannabe), and bro and sis gossip while in bed. If I were Dixon, I'd would have d... never mind. This is a GP blog! When I feel like it.

Meanwhile, Annie meets Silver, aka the awesomest teen character in the West Coast since Taylor Townsend. Apparently, Silver and Blair wannabe (ok, she's Naomi) are like what emo peeps and being happy. So when Annie goes with Naomi, Silver (don't call her Erin) Gossip Girls herself. Of course, Annie is not appreciative of what happened so Erin Silver makes it up for tagging Annie up for the school musical. Of course, Annie is now appreciative but Dixon of course make life complicated for poor little anorexic Annie. To have some payback against the-dude who-did-sex-the-unconventional-way-who-screwed-him-with-the-higher-ups-that-caused-him-to-be-kicked-out-of-the-lacrosse-team (one less opponent for Nate Archibald), he texted Naomi what Annie told him while bonding in bed. Too bad, Naomi's purse went missing. Or was it?

Naomi is celebrating her 16th birthday! OMFG! Can you believe that? She's 16?! What? STFU! Are you drugs? GTFO! Did she find the fountain of ageing? LMAO! <insert witty net acronym here>?!?!?! And what better way to screw everything up on your birthday, right Blair Waldorf?

So someone returns Naomi's purse, all the while Annie and Erin Silver thought she didn't receive the message. So while the-dude who-did-sex-the-unconventional-way and Naomi danced centerstage (hey at least he's better than Archibald since he actually had the balls to show up), Naomi asked him if he did sex-the-unconventional-way. In true Chuck Bass fashion, he kept quiet.

And oh, I totally forgot about the old people. Annie's dad and Naomi's mom (so Lily and Rufus! Ha!) knocked each other up. And Naomi's mom gave their son up for adoption, all the while Annie's dad knew nothing.

So there ends the first hour. It's actually a two-hour series premier. If you won't be watching/downloading anything on Tuesdays, wanna see overly skinny girls in sunny California, and more sex-the-unconventional-way, I highly recommend this show to you, dear reader. Otherwise, just read the original gossip blog from the East Coast.