What really happened in The Hunger Games

Mommy Everdeen has awesome naming skillz. First, she named her daughter "Katniss". Then, her next daughter is named "Primrose". So while she's the MVP of naming your kids league, she has to be the worst player in the worst team of the minor leagues; she has mad sewing skills, though, so that pretty much cancels everything, right?

When watching The Hunger Games, you'd probably be distracted by a simple game: The "S/he looks like someone!" game. Right after we know the backstory, which tells you what the Hunger Games are, and the process of selecting the players or "tributes", we're thrust into the first contestant of our mini-game. Why, it's a better Jay Leno in a parallel universe, Caesar Flickerman! Who awfully looks like French president Nicolar Sarkozy! Now we need pretty French chicks.

It's the day of the reaping, and Primrose is having bad nightmares. No, she's not dreaming about this type of teddy bear chasing her around District 12 while singing to Justin Bieber songs; she dreamed that she was picked, and picked she was. Katniss, who I'm having a tough time in our mini-game, offered herself instead. And of course, we needed a dude so we got the Boy on Wheat, Peeta the loaf boy, which means he's Australian. Or something like that.

Before leaving for the Capitol, Katniss says goodbye to Mommy Everdeen and Primrose (who's giving me AnnaSophia Robb vibes). She also tells mom that her dress is so uberfine, the camera crew cut the scene where she was taking a bath, our only fan service, at least for male fans, so that they film the dress longer. Which was terrible, at least for male fans. We were looking for the bathing instruments of District 12 for our anthropology class.

For some reason, our Australian baker dude really wants to win so he's so eager when he meets Haymitch, who is supposedly a gangsta version of Billy Ray Cyrus: he won the Hunger Games way back when Katniss was the one having bear nightmares. Haymitch broke the heart of our Australian baker boy, but boy was hesistant.

So they, along with their hostess Effie, which means "Effing Annoying, but not evil" arrive at the Capitol. The docs do some nasty things on Katniss, and by nasty I mean it in a non-sexual way, because they're cleaning her up for Cinna. Who looks like a gay version of Lenny Kravitz. HOLY MACKAREL, IT REALLY IS LENNY KRAVITZ!

Cinna wants to make Katniss and loaf boy to stand out in the presentation. So of course, like all gay people do, she puts fire into the rain... well not really. Just fire. At the presentation, Caesar and the crowd were so drawn into Katniss and loaf boy, they started the Peeniss (OK, that joke is old) ship.

Caesar makes his best Sarkozy impression on his show as he interviews the 24 contestants, all 0.25 seconds each for them, until we reach Katniss, who makes a bigger impression with her fiery skirt. So, since she's the girl on fire, and her partner is loaf boy, their future children should be French toast. And yes, loaf boy professed her crush on Katniss, ever since he gave her a piece of bread when Katniss was not starving herself to death.

Katniss was really pissed, but Haymitch had a better idea: you'd need this backstory so that he can sell this to the sponsors. So the tributes train like hell. The sponsors? They were busy making small talk, so Katniss showed them her mad archer skillz. Sponsors, after being terrified by the poor apple on the wall, were impressed. President Snow, the evil dictator Borat wants to be, wasn't.

So it's the day of the Hunger Games, or as the anorexics would have it, "It was supposedly ours but we were too weak to register at the patents." Haymitch had one last tip to Katniss: "It's a trap!" He apparently gave the same tip to loaf boy so they emerged relatively unscathed from the opening massacre. Peeta teams up with the Careers, so-called since they careered their training. The alliance hunted for Katniss, who wisely went her own way.

Of course the gamemakers didn't like that so they made a nasty forest fire to lead Katniss back to the other tributes. The Careers found her, so she has to make use of her tree climbing skillz. Now the web trolls have cited this part as either a plot hole or sheer stupidity by the Careers: why didn't they just burn the tree down? They were probably just too stupid, and they would not have let Katniss die at this point.

While the Careers were dozing off, Rue, one of the tributes, and has better tree climbing skillz than Katniss, points to our heroine a hive of tracker jackers. No, this is not the Kony guy jacking it off in San Diego, those are bad-arse wasps that inflict more pain than loaf boy riding on bumblebees. Katniss, with all her might, succeeds in dropping the smackdown on the Careers. She got infected too, and she became a zombie.

Rue nursed her back to health after two days of feeding her with peas and mushrooms, with a wall of walnuts guarding by. So begins their 12-hour relationship that rivaled Cassie and Adam in the Secret Circle. They play in the forest, build dirt castles (sand castles, only dirtier), and they effed up the Careers munitions dump. But wait, like all good relationships, it has to end with the "it missed me but it hit her" routine, and so we see Jennifer Lawrence's audition for Sony Music. District 11 approves, and they riot like shit.

Haymitch, in a true Billy Ray Cyrus move, suggest to the gamemakers that to appease the rioting District 11 people, who had only heard of Justin Bieber songs before they heard Katniss sing, to make the games a lovefest. So, like the Democrats before them, they moved the goalposts at the middle of the game: instead of one survivor, there'd be a pair of survivors, as long as they're from the same district.

The inner Peeniss fangirl in Katniss knew this was her chance to score on loaf boy, so she begins her long and arduous quest in search for loaf boy, which mostly included smelling the forest for yeast. Ironically, it was not the smell of yeast that led Katniss to loaf boy: it was the stench of bee poop. Loaf boy was badly hurt, and Katniss knows where to make loaf boy feel better: at the Pokemon Center! Ah wait, Pokemon is basically their food in these parts, so they settle in a cave.

During prehistoric times, the cave was more than just a shelter: it was the forerunner of the motel. Katniss, realizing that the Hunger Games is Big Brother, only manlier, decided to raise the stakes and make out with loaf boy, only that Gale was watching at home. Devastated, he opened his wallet where he keeps nekkid pics of Vanessa Anne Hudgens, then he did what the Kony 2012 guy did. Jacking it in District 12.

The gamemakers still have to make their quota for announcements, and basically said, there's a trap, but you are all gullible all of you will take the risk. Katniss did, got the bag, then was assaulted by Clove (nice name). Then our token black dude saves the day for Katniss, because it's all for Rue, who is waving her hair back and forth in fictional character heaven.

Katniss comes back to the cave, gives loaf boy the medicine, and after three days, Peeta rose from the ashes of bee poop. It's like Jesus. After encountering Foxface's corpse holding poisonous berries, there now only four tributes left: if they beat out the other two, they'd win. Fortunately, the gamemakers released Jacob's nastier dog-cousins, killing token African American guy. Now, only Cato was left. Jacob's cousins chased Peeniss through the forest into the not-so-loving arms of Cato.

It's the final battle! And you know what they do with these fight scenes: they follow the legacy of the Bourne film series and film it via a handheld cam. It's like watching Flame of Recca, while Gale was jacking it in District 12, while he was holding the camera. Of course, it comes down to Cato putting Katniss in a not-so-desirable situation: shoot me and we (with loaf boy) go down with Jacob's cousins and perform bestiality, or don't shoot so that it'll be you joining loaf boy with the doggies. Of course, Peeniss found a way and they win!

The gamemakers had one last announcement to make: only one tribute wins. Katniss shows loaf boy the berries; the two were about to relive this Secret Circle scene where Cassie and Adam drank the elixir that made them forgot all 76 minutes that they were together, when the gamemakers realized they can make one more announcement! We'd accept co-winners! Peeniss wins!

Haymitch warned Katniss that the authorities did not like what she did, or more exactly, what she did not do, which was make sexy time with loaf boy. Peeniss were crowned co-champions of the Hunger Games, and are greeted back at District 12 like rock stars.

Before alighting the train, loaf boy asked Katniss if can she bake Spanish bread with him. Katniss replied to just forget about what happened to them.

That's right, loaf boy has just been friendzoned. Don't worry loaf boy, even your sorta-namesake arachnid superhero was friendzoned too.

And Katniss? I finally found out who she looks like. At the final scene at the train, she looked like Troian Bellisario, Spencer Hastings from Pretty Little Liars, with that hair. Katniss went from noncaring deer hunter to noncaring Peeniss fangirl. Mommy Everdeen is proud.