When Keith Mars makes a cameo

A look back first:

• Pre-"The Blair Bitch Project"
• When bitches strike back (The Blair Bitch Project)
• You're so random (Desperately Seeking Serena)
• All About My Brother recaps:
  • The f-bomb: on national network TV
  • Spotted! New York Knicks edition
• When Jenny went fishing (Woman on the Verge)

I'd have to admit, I wasn't that excited with the new season, especially with Dan being a bitch, Jenny failed to become a bitch and Vanessa failed to deliver on being a bitch, not to mention I'm watching Lipgloss I sleep every Saturday afternoons. And with all of the crap mankind has done, I ought to watch some teens screw themselves, their lives and other peoples' lives up.

Oh Kristen Bell's voice, how I missed you. Next time when you're at Heroes, make sure you end the pathetic, little, sorry life of one Peter Petrelli? Please? XOXO.

So it's summer, aka the time when the birds and the bees do their thing. This is also the time when Blake Lively and her boytoy go to Mexico to tan for their roles, since they'd be summering (is that a word?) at the Hamptons. You know, the English football team that sucks ass? the sunny place east of the Big Apple. This is like Newport Beach, only that you'd need to access the warp zone to go there.

So Serena has been mourning the death of Peter Petrelli (I've already allocated my strikethrough quota) her relationship with Dan. All thanks in which she can't tell him for some reason WTF is wrong with her hair. Meanwhile, Blair found a rebound boy while touring France with those steroid-injected cyclists. As for the boys, let's just say Chuck has been Chuck, and Nate, um, suddenly wants older chicks.

Oh, I forgot about the peeps at Brooklyn. Rufus has been at the Ozzfest, Jenny's making out with Elise while interning with Blair's mom and Vanessa must've been wasted by now by fixing her hair. Lonely Boy is no longer lonely. He's now a chickboy.

So while at Newport, Marissa has been wasting herself, only that, unlike Vanessa, Marissa is hot. Meanwhile, Summer comes back from summer vacation at Yale. Chuck meets Summer but gets pwned when Summer brings home a dude.

Meanwhile, the poor people of Brooklyn sulk at their poorness. Jenny's getting pwned everyday at work, and Dan gets pwned on his last day at the job. Seems that Jenny's inner bitch has to be tapped once again and Dan still hasn't gotten over his oral escapades with Sarah. Too bad his oral escapades while at work is of the lamer, loser variety.

Blair and Serena share drinks in a pretty Hamptons house where Blair recounts her European tour with James, her new boytoy. Serena sulks at the boringness of her summer (at this time, their souls made an astral projection and switched places), and Blair tells her to check out the boys at the beach. Which of course, the top guy at the beach is the lifeguard. Too bad it's not CJ Parker.

Who knew Rufus has an inner bitch? Apparently, Little J can't go to the "White Party" so Rufus tells her that to use Eric, but not before she apologize to him first. Eric, having no girl to talk to, forgives her faster than you can say "Serena van der Woodsen." It would've been awesome if Jenny made Eric a favor, like a dress for the party. Hee.

So Nate's into older women. Following the footsteps of one Angel Locsin leading man (heck whom am I kidding? His name as Asher Hornsby. So sue me.), Nate Archibald uses this as a front to hide his inner gayness. So he harnesses all of the manhood he has left and makes out all day, anywhere, anytime with Catherine. And when Catherine's legal hubby arrives, she throws him out of the balcony. Aww.

So they're making the Chair storyline like the Darena A.S. (after strike) storyline, get a plot device, use that plot device to wreak havoc the lives of the characters, and after the conclusion, throw him back where he came from. So Blair has been using James to stir Chuck into action. Too bad, as we'll see, Chuck will go to the Ryan Atwood route; heck even Atwood did better, he bought a teddy bear.

Ah, finally the cutest Blair moment. Blair sucking on a straw. Cuteness. While the girls do the girl talk and the "boys" try their hardest to even do a boy talk, the UES buddies bump into each other; Serena seems upset that Nate is still into Catherine (ooooh, Dan must've rubbed off some of his "charisma". Hahahahah) while Chair gets all angsty and body slam each other.

Back to Rufus, seems that he's now reading those advice columns. And with Dan being fired from his internship, he tells him to go to the Hamptons and bring it on with Serena. Again. All or nothing. Now or never.

Meanwhile, the "boys" are, quite appropriately, playing the gayest sport invented by man, er, gaykind: croquet. And quite appropriately, Eric blurts out the best line of the episode not blurted out by Kristen Bell: "I know that face. That face is not your friend." As epitome to Eric's gayness, he missed the best feature of Serena while in that outfit: the hot body. Go girl!

Serena is upset that she has to be the front for Nate's gayness fling. I know deep down inside her inner whore she likes it so she obliges. Blair on the other hand, is NOT being amused by James. Just when the James is about to spill the beans, Blair tells him he'd be her date at the White Party. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Chickboy arrives at the Hamptons, went to the van der Woodsen home and sees... Grandme CeCe. Remember her? The badass granny who pwned Dan all night at the ball. This time, seeing her granddaughter mourn all summer, she made a 180-degree turn (think of it as Vince Carter nowadays as compared to his awesomeness years ago) and welcomed Humphrey at the house. Dan was even pleasantly surprised on what happened. And the best part? He gets to go to the White Party. Wearing white boxers!

As for Humphrey's sis? She too was at the party, pwning Eleanor's right hand, thanks to the gay dude. Nate wants to get drunk with a Greek goddess beside him, and Blair and James breaks up. Awwwwww. Jenny isn't finished pwning the right hand. The gay guy tags along Tinsley Mortimer (let's just say she looks waaaaaaaaay better than Amelia the interior decorator) and they do a chitchat. Right hand = pwned some more. And Chair gets screwed.

In a desperate attempt to announce to the world that he's the man, Nate plays tonsil hockey with Serena in front of Catherine... and Dan. Serena sees him, explains nothing and Dan bitches some more, until the two chicks from the reading session saw him, pwned him and Serena's face says "What say you?" Dan admits he sulked all summer long and they play tonsil hockey the way it should be: between two people of opposite sexes.

Chuck has hired Keith Mars to look into James, and James himself admitted to Blair, No, he's not gay, he's a Lord. An English noble. Chuck gets the same info from Keith, and suddenly, his mind is awash with Veronica Mars images.

How about Nate, and, ahem, his girl? Mommy got jealous, wants more and they play their own gay version of tonsil hockey. Chair gets screwed for one last time when Chuck can't blurt out the 8-letter phrase ("screw you") and Blair leaves him for Lord Marcus. Chuck drinks the night away, alone and lonely. Even his BFF seems to have a good time with Catherine. We all know he's going to the Asher Hornsby route anyway...

And Darena? Dan overcame writers' block, scribbles something to his notepad, and Serena emerges outta nowhere, as they watch the fake fireworks from the Olympics. How sweet.