Breaking Dan, or the night Bella watched KSTW-11

Dear Mom,

After you called me a dozen times last night after the freak accident with my truck on the snow and you still haven't let up in asking me, I thought of sending you an email to again tell you that I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I know, I'm that hot, so I'm soooooo fine. And pale too. Perfect for a pale town of Forks.

By the way, I was watching KSTW-11* (the local CW affiliate here in Washington), and I know you'd rather watch old women go ga-ga with gardeners on that ABC show, I'd rather watch the kiddie version since, hey like I'm a teen. In a boring town called Forks what else would you do?

The show I'm referring to is "Gossip Girl," where girls gossip silently and boys gossip loudly, AND send tips to Gossip Girl herself.

We see the dad (Rufus, much hotter than Char... dad) asking his son Dan (much hotter than Mike, the kid who has been stalking me at school) to rescind (our English teacher is very gooooood) his decision on using his story about Chuck (that sleazy guy, but Edward is sleazier. And paler than me.) but Dan is hell-bent on doing it since he's a crappy writer. Not unlike Stephanie Meyer. I heard she's fantastic. Better than Cecily von Ziegesar. The point is Dan is using Chuck! Nooooooooo. I'd so do it with Chuck, but Dan is so judgmental! You'd see later.

By the way, the protagonists of this show aren't Dan and Chuck, but Serena and Blair. Serena is hot and blonde, while Blair is cute and brunette. And Blair's turning 18 (oh no! I wouldn't want to turn 18 in this rainy town!) and she's gloating about her mom's new BF. I heard he's hotter than the gardener guy or that Scofield guy or the McDreamy guy. Well until Blair saw him. Serena herself was gloating about his new boy toy Aaron, who has hair worse than my classmate Eric.

Dan actually has younger sister Jenny, but she literally moved out after she had a disagreement with Rufus over her "career". Yes mom, 15 year olds in New York (that's where this is set) have careers. She and her pal Agnes (if you watched The O.C. she was the ugly blonde's younger sister) are looking for venture capitalists to invest in their new fashion firm but Agnes always screws up and Jenny's big eyes grows bigger when they fight on the streets of Manhattan.

Blair herself was admonishing their maid Dorota that she used some crappy silverware and when she saw her mom's new BF. He's the same guy on "The L Word" (I know for a fact that you watch that, Mom. Don't ask on how I knew) named William. So you can imagine the horror of Blair upon seeing him! It's like when Phil's team loses by a score of 10-0. Dorota herself was grinning. LOL.

Since we're into sports, Chuck treats his unappreciative dad Bart with a season pass to Rangers games. Mom, not Texas Rangers games, New York Rangers games. You know, hockey. No wonder Bart didn't accept. Dan himself met one of New York mag's editors (They have awesome episode recaps of this show) where the mag wants Dan, yes teenager Dan, to write a story about Bart. Like some crazy story. I should be really be back at Phoenix where I can be like the head cheerleader of the Cardinals. If only I can move some muscles my PE classmates would love me. Well of course Dan the ass that he is obliges.

Serena was at Times Square, you know the area of New York where they once held TRL. I think you watched that show when Carson Daly was the host, before it got crappy with all of the Fred Durst guestings. Anyhow, Serena saw herself on one of the electronic billboards (which doesn't exist in this rain-infested part of the world). Apparently it was Aaron's idea and Serena was too giddy as Aaron played tonsil hockey with her. Yay. And like the kissing scene was like one of those Korean telenovelas where one scene was replayed with different camera angles.

Of course Blair was suspicious about this Aaron guy because Blair hates men not named Chuck Bass. And Blair wanted to talk Serena about her mom's BF Cyrus. But Serena is so smitten with this Aaron guy she leaves Blair effed up with Cyrus.

So Dan met up with Bart and they bonded like true father and son that Bart invited Dan to a hockey game! Like Bart actually watches hockey! Well baseball season is over, and I read that the Knicks suck and their football teams play at the marshes so New Yorkers really have no choice. But Chuck comes charging right in and is flabbergasted (see I told ya my English teacher is great!) seeing Bart asking Dan for a date.

Jenny was getting impatient with Agnes since she can't find a venture capitalist to invest in their "firm" but Agnes was too wasted with partying. If only Forks had a nightspot! And I'm not talking about the spot where all the cool kids hang out under the trees. Jenny took matters upon her own hands and she made business alone. But there's one hitch about Jenny's business: she's a minor so she needs parents' consent first before she can conduct business with some creepy dude. But considering her relationship with Rufus...

Blair herself would take matters upon her own hands when Cyrus bashed Cyndi Lauper, ok he didn't bash her but it made Blair upset that Eleanor chose him over her birthday. Serena herself was acting all musey for that douche Aaron up until one of his muses, er girls arrives for "business." And you know what made Serena upset? The girl wanted to drink hot coffee! The coffee she brought for Aaron! That Aaron when I see him I'd drive a wooden stake right through his heart. And to think judgmental Dan was better. Yes mom, they were formerly boyfriend/girlfriend, and Dan gave his "first" on Christmas Eve. Isn't that sweet?

Speaking of Dan, some random guy apparently heard that he was digging up Bart's dirt so he gave him a shovel: some shiny dirt every reporter would want. Dan was all giddy (like ex-girlfriend, like ex-boyfriend), and Dan got the dish pretty easily. Rufus doesn't like it and asks Dan to drop it.

If there's one thing Blair's good at, it's digging up dirt. So she also finds dirt about Cyrus from Cyrus himself! It's like while in Vietnam (I wonder how he got into the army with that body), he fell in love with a hot Vietnamese girl while he was married. When he and his wife divorced, he found out that the girl died when the Americans swept through their village looking for a McDonald's outlet. And apparently Blair's mom doesn't like cheaters so Blair got the dirt! Yay! And Serena? She's on the verge of ditching Aaron. Yay again!

Blair's mom got the dirt and she's devastated. And Agnes did her own little Blair scheming when she found out that Jenny made business with that creepy dude without her knowing it.

I don't know, mom, but do these people never go to school? It seems that they have parties every week, and for this week, it was Blair's 18th birthday party. Serena and her pals were talking about Aaron and how Blair is right. And Blair came rolling along and they talk some more.

Mom, the episode title is "Bonfire on the Vanity" and apparently the bonfire lights up when Agnes burns all of Jenny's clothes on a trash can, WITH JENNY NOT DOING ANYTHING. Jenny didn't grab her clothes, or anything or even Agnes. She just yelled and cried and left with a whimper. Like who does that? The writers could've done the tried and tested formula of two people fighting over a loaded gun, only in this case they were grabbing a lighter.

And oh, did I tell you that Agnes lit up the "bonfire" with a matchstick? And the clothes made a little spark a few seconds after Agnes threw the match? It was stupid really. And Jenny looked like the Masked Rider with all of her eyeshadow.

Back in Blair's party, Cyrus and Serena finally met up, and Cyrus told her on how Aaron was so smitten about her. It turns out Aaron the bad hair-do guy and Cyrus the definitely not hot dad are son and father! And right after Serena leaves to happily find Aaron, Blair's mom comes and drops the bomb. Poor Cyrus. He was busted by Blair's mom and he has a douche-y son.

Not until Cyndi Lauper came along! Yes mom, the Cyndi Lauper! And Blair felt bad on what she did and she found Cyrus on the sidewalk and Blair can't outsmart a lawyer. She can outsmart Chuck, her classmates, her teachers and a duchess, but she can't outsmart a lawyer. They're too conniving, even for Blair. Heck even Jenny outsmarted the police. I wonder if she can outsmart dad.

Dan is confronting Bart about the dirt that the money he used to jumpstart his company came from the insurance on the building he intentionally burned down when my Chuck came to his dad's rescue and stopped the madness! Oh Chuck, I'd remain boyfriend-less if it makes you happy. As long as vampires don't seduce me you are safe in my pale heart. And Chuck even begs Dan not to reveal this. Dan don't do it or I will take a plane to New York and hunt you down!

It's a good thing Dan came to his senses and stopped himself from publishing the story. Plus he made Bart and Chuck make up as he gave Bart the Chuck story he wrote. Here's an excerpt, Mom. Read how crappy it is!

His hand held a firm grip around the glass Scotch. It was like the glass was a part of him and if he let it go he'd lose a piece of himself. He took one long gulp and finished off the glass.

"Keep them coming, Joe," he spoke across the bar. The surly bartender poured some more of the brown liquid into his glass. He tilted it towards Joe and took a sip. As it hit his mouth, his lips curled and he swallowed. The glass was still clutched in his hand.

Charlie Trout had spent every Birthday at this bar since he was thirteen years old. And this year was no exception. Charlie sat on the exact same stool, drank the exact same brand of Scotch and ordered from the exact same bartender year after year. One would think Charlie Trout's Birthday party would be full of friends, sexy women and located at an exclusive Manhattan club. But that was not the case. Charlie's Birthday was always just a party of one. Or two, if you count Joe the bartender.

Charlie's Birthday didn't just signify his aging. It also represented the anniversary of his mother's death. She died while giving birth to him all those years ago and Charlie's been living with that grief ever since. Charlie's father, media tycoon Bernie Trout, had never once wanted to celebrate his son's Birthday. There were no elaborate Birthday parties for little Charlie. There weren't even Birthday cakes. Nor any wrapped gifts. A Lego set or a toy fire truck were never waiting at the foot of Charlie's bed when he awoke on his Birthday morning. All he ever got was just a deposit into a savings account.

This caused Charlie to believe his father held him responsible for his mother's death. If it weren't for Charlie, Bernie's beloved wife would still be alive. It was Charlie who killed her, Bernie must have thought. And that was why Bernie could never truly love Charlie.

Joe the plumber even made a cameo appearance when he ditched his old job to become an NYC bartender. Sweet.

Serena arrived back at Aaron's place when she saw him and some girl sharing an intimate moment. And good thing Serena breaks up with him! Yay! Now for her to get back with Dan. Or seduce Mike.

Jenny tried to blackmail her own father but Rufus won't budge. Like of course she's her dad for crying out loud, which was what Jenny did on the streets of Brooklyn. Kicked out of Agnes' place, can't stay at their home, she goes to her dad's art gallery to stay. And calls the investor if there's another way to conduct business since her dad (and mom) won't sign the waivers.

Bart and Chuck finally bond, thanks to Dan. If Dan went along with the story, the fangirls will turn into kamikaze pilots and will storm the CW's offices everywhere. And father and son will... watch hockey games together! Sweet!

The other father and son (Rufus and Bart) were also bonding. Rufus commended Dan for using his judgmental attitude in not publishing the story, but Rufus has to fix up his own family. Since Jenny's practically homeless. And Jenny? The only way for her to conduct business is for her to be emancipated. And guess what? You need parents' signatures to get emancipated. I wonder if I'll be able to emancipate myself...

More bonding, mom! This time it's Blair and Serena where they talked about... guess what? Father and son too. Cyrus and Aaron. Cyrus and Blair's mom made up and Cyrus will be staying at the Waldorf Penthouse! Blair's fuming mad, LOL. And Cyrus? Serena must be overly smitten with this guy that she forgave him. WTF? And they went out in the city, with Serena wearing only a nightie. I wonder what will happen if the wind blows.

And there it ends, mom. I know you're not into Monday shows so I guess it'll be good time for you to get started. And it will make you remember me, just think of Blair as me and you'll forget that I was almost ran over by a truck. And did I told you how I escaped unscathed? That's for another email.

xoxo, Bella

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*I did NOT make that up. Right, KStew fans?