2014 PBA mock draft: Literally mocking edition

So yeah, you've probably read all of the 2014 PBA mock drafts known to man. You probably know that Stanley Pringle is going to be the #1 pick. And that Kia is picking Manny Pacquiao at the first round. You've probably even have a cheatsheet on actual draft day. You're probably planning on going to Robinsons Place Manila wearing your Barangay Ginebra San Miguel knockoffs then throw rocks at the jeepneys outside to vent your frustration realizing that Ginebra would still be in deep shit no matter what.

So what makes this mock draft lottery, aside from mocking you, the hard-working Ginebra fan? Here, we literally mock the draft applicants, the teams, Robinsons Place Manila and nearby schools. Yes, even those. Let's get started.

How we got here

We all know how GlobalPort got this pick. Supposedly, it was the Lina teams that would tank to get Bobby Ray Parks, Jr. But Ray-Ray had other plans, so they cruised along the season, in between 76ers and Knicks (yes, the Knicks almost made it to the playoffs!) level of suckage. What's left was GlobalPort, who, just like in a Vice Ganda movie, Vice Ganda penetrates the heart of Daniel Matsunaga, and Kris Aquino makes someone else do the James Yap joke. GlobalPort is that "someone else".

GlobalPort has a 67% chance of winning the draft lottery, while the Meralco Bolts were the other team, with 33%. Hold on, the Lina teams didn't even make it to the draft lottery. That's nasty. Meralco gave their pick to Rain or Shine. GlobalPort supposedly gave their pick away to Ginebra but through sheer magic, they retained it.

So the odds were stacked in favor of GP, so the able commissioner, Chito Salud, wasn't able to let go of his hands on the opaque box during the actual lottery. It seemed he was still holding one of the two GP pingpong balls. So, GP won the lottery, while we mocked Chito Salud's limited motor skills. Certainly unlike the great Noli Eala, who's motor skills were profound.

First round

1. Stanley Pringle (GlobalPort Batang Pier)
If you've watched the ASEAN Basketball League, then you're a hero. No one watches the ABL. This is where past and future PBA draft busts go and die. Noli Eala's San Miguel Beermen, no relation to the current PBA team aside from being owned by Ramon Ang, laid waste to the league in their two seasons of existence. The only team that stood in their way were the mighty Indonesia Warriors. I'm not kidding. The ABL version of Satria Muda BritAma (which translates into "Indonesia Warriors", duh) ace was Stanley Pringle. Stanley Pringle single-handedly defeated a SMB team of PBA washouts, led by a certain Junemar Fajardo in 2012.

Then he was injured in 2013. An ACL injury. Pringle sat out the first half of the season, and the Warriors met the Beermen in the finals for a rematch. The Warriors hung tough at Ynares Pasig, but the Beermen, now led by Asi Taulava, scored a squeaker of a win in Game 1. The Warriors imploded in Game 2, with Warriors #2 John Smith, no relation to the dude Pocahontas went out with, shooting a lot of bricks, Larry Hughes would have proud.

By now, his injury should have been a red flag for PBA teams. NBA teams don't draft mid-1st round players solely due to injury scares. But like the Twitter demigod Joel Embiid, Pringle isn't a mid-1st round prospect. He's a lottery pick. In the PBA, the lottery pick is the first two picks. Even if Ray-Ray signed up, Stanley would still be a lottery pick.

So, let's get this straight, Pido is drafting a player named after food that tastes like cardboard, and already had an ACL injury. That's a tough gamble.

2. Matt Ganuelas-Rosser (Rain or Shine Elasto Painters)
You must have seen Ganuelas before when the Philippines played in the Jones Cup. In 2012. You know, that tournament were LA Tenorio got possessed by the spirit of Kobe Bryant and pulled off a miracle upset against USA Team-AA to win the title. Ganuelas is the spark off the bench. The Inquirer notes that he has to bulk up. Well, he came to the right team. Belga and Extra Rice, Inc. would gladly get rice from Jeff Chan's lunch box for Matt.


3. Chris Banchero
Here's the obligatory commercial break:

Chris Banchero is introduced as "Chris Banchero". 99% of the people who watched this commercial assumed that Banchero is like those Semarad twins that they could collect notebook covers so that they could squirt/cum on it. Remember Stanley Pringle? The hyped-up "local" in the Beermen ABL team was Chris Banchero. He shot terribly in the finals series... eh wait I can't remember any more.

Dudes, Chris Banchero is with Sam Pinto. That's bad for us. I hate you, Chris.

4. Kevin Alas (NLEX Road Warriors)
Kevin Alas is one of those hyped up college prospects everyone forgot about because he redshirted his final year in Letran and hanged around at the PBA D-League for the NLEX Road Warriors, a team owned by MVP, who supports San Beda. A Gilas cadet, Alas was named MVP in a Hong Kong tournament.

But there's one play Kevin Alas would never forget: it's the Game 1 of the 2013 NCAA Finals against San Beda. They just made an epic comeback, and would need to score to win. He passed on to a Letran teammate but it sailed wide. San Beda won the series. So yeah, it you're those guys that puts premiums on winning in college to be a good pro standout, that's your red flag.

5. Ronald Pascual (Alaska Aces)
Pascual is one-third of the Pinatubo trio. This epic San Sebastian threesome (sounds nasty) epically prevented an equally epic seven-peat by San Beda. But Pascual got injured on his supposedly final NCAA campaign and was used sparingly. So yeah, red flags galore on these first five picks.

6. Jake Pascual (Barangay Ginebra San Miguel)
If you're a Ginebra fan, and you wanted to have sex with a Ginebra player, and you saw that the Semarad twins are still available at this point, you're thinking, fuck, Noli Eala is long gone, they shouldn't fuck this up, right? Wrong. They'd get Jake Pascual, who could belong to the long line of almost seven-time NCAA champs that became busts. Ogie Menor, Yousif Aljamal, Borgie Hermida. Don't worry Jake, I'm sure MVP has some job for you in Meralco if you get busted.

7. Rodney Brondial (San Mig Super Coffee Mixers)
Now if you're a fan of the Semarad twins, surely San Mig won't fuck up this one, right? Wrong, again. James Yap and Mark Barroca have a co-sharing agreement to be the most handsome players on this team. So yeah, no Semarad twins for now. San Mig needs a back-up at the #4 spot though in the Philippine Cup, so they'd snap up Rodney Brondial, who has one thing going for him: he has the same given name as another Purefoods franchise hero: Rodney Santos.

8. Prince Caperal (Barako Bull Energy)
So let's see, who'd be a good serviceable big man that we can trade to an SMC team later? We're not supposed to get a player that has played before for MVP, because they loyalty checks. So they'd get Prince Caperal. He can be exchanged for San Miguel's 2021 first round picks.

9. Rome dela Rosa (Rain or Shine Elasto Painters)
Would Rome dela Rosa follow the long line of San Beda busts like Dave Marcelo, or would follow the more recent line of Yeng Guiao draft bust Jeric Teng? Abangan!

10. Anthony Semarad (Barako Bull Energy)
Okay, you PBB fans can exhale now. Better watch PTV Sports to get your impending Anthony Semarad-starred Barako Bull Energy Cola ads.

11. Manny Pacquiao (Kia)
Can we schedule Kia and ROS for the first game so the Extra Rice dudes can gang-up on Manny? Please? Does anyone know Pacquiao's statlines in the URBL/MVBA/whatever league his team played at?

Also, how on earth did Kia and Manny Pacquiao even get together? Like, who's the wing man? This is an odd marriage even the Bible would have opposed.

12. Jericho Cruz (Blackwater Sports)
Good news, dude! Chris Banchero and Anthony Semarad won't have the monopoly of TV commercials. You can now also star on your own! Wait, Blackwater Sports has TV commercials? What is Blackwater Sports?!

Second round

Stay tuned!