S.O.A.P.: Sex on a party

What's better than sex on a limo? Snakes Sex on a plane bus, of course! Too bad we didn't see it. We Darena shippers are being short-changed. It would’ve been nice to see the mechanics of doing it while inside a moving vehicle that you have no control of. Like you can make a limo stop but buses are like people, they move about by themselves. But unlike people that make chaos when they bump into something.

And while you’re watching this episode, you’d think you’re watching a Grey’s Anatomy episode, you know, that show where they showcase the very best of human anatomy, and the best ways on how to operate the different apparatuses of the human body. Only that they’re not in a hospital (Grey’s Anatomy is set on a hospital?!) and they’re younger than Isabel Evans on Roswell’s first season.

So fittingly, the first scene is "the morning after.” Dan and Serena slept under the stars, a la Jamie and Landon, in midst of the warm summery air, stupid starfishes kicking sand on your face, and the occasional wave that can make you wetter than Aquaman. Chick boy and the chick makes out some more, tell each other to avoid each other, but they don’t resolve their issues. Oh, teenagers. (Wait, Serena is a teenager?! (Hey, at least it’s not that bad when you compare her to the other blonde on the new show.))

Blair and Lawd Mharkus share a high cholesterol breakfast. But Lawd Mharkus doesn’t want Blair to see his mum (they spell this way in the UK). Blair, sporting a BW (guess what that means) necklace, is pissed as Taylor Townsend whenever her stalking goes wrong, so she calls BFF. BFF has no real advice anyway so she and Dan meet up outta nowhere and they go the City. Meanwhile, Chuck and Lawd Mharkus start their bromance as Bass invites The Lawd into a friendly game of squash, and Blair is so not thrilled.

And I thought we’d never get to see Nate’s mother (yes, she exists!) but here she comes thinking of a clever way to screw up the screw up. Nate doesn’t like what he hears so he goes back to the City. With Chuck, of course. Too bad Nate’s not into scheming, but I heard he’s into cougars…

Speaking of the cougar, we see her sharing a conversation with Lawd Mharkus over the phone. Is the cougar two-timing the two-timer who was victimized by a two-timer? Blair giggles her way into Lawd Mharkus as they hop into the limo and drink a liquid “that tastes like stars.”

Dan is on the bus listening to powerviolence music (you know, the Locust, Man Is The Bastard) while Serena is across the aisle eating chocolate-dipped strawberries. I dunno if it’s just rich people, but strawberries? They don’t sell quail eggs there? Add a little piece of paper with a pinch of salt so that the eggs actually taste something?

Humphrey was so into his type of music when Serena offered a taste of yummy strawberries. Dan was into dreamland with the Australian aborigines so Serena had to make use of attention-grabbing activities for boys that Lily (who still must be enjoying her honeymoon with Mister Bass.) taught her when she was in fifth grade. Dan obliged and we see Serena and Dan go to the back of the bus, and consummate their relationship. It wasn’t seen if it was the conventional way but it is still sex so…

Meanwhile, Lawd Mharkus and Blair share more giggles and Blair realizes in order to be be the game, you’d have to beat the game so she has to hold a party for the sole reason on impressing Lawd Mharkus. Also on the way to the City are the real BFFs Chuck and Nate. Apparently Chuck is into the game and he wants to play. So it’s game on between Blair and Chuck. The winner gets to share the night with Serena.

Back at the shiny place they call Brooklyn, Rufus is back from touring with the Pussycat Dolls, and to mark the occasion, filmmaker cum interior designer Vanessa redesigns the art gallery into something that is more presentable. Sparks fly as Vanessa and Rufus exchange their thoughts about The Communist Manifesto and War and Peace and we’re led to believe that they’re so into it.

Across the East River, Lawd Mharkus and Chuck share a passionate game of squash were they’re all sweaty and must’ve smelled really bad. You’d probably think this a part of some Protocols of the Elders of Chuck to take over the world. It is. With the ball deep on her team's category, Blair is not having a good time on planning her game plan, so she invites Dan Humphrey. Since Dan is into ARSEnal, he’d be useful in Blair’s game against Lawd Mharkus. Score a safety for Team Bass.

More gayness for Chuck: he sells Victrola so that he can give the Archibalds money. So sweet. But I guess Nate will find something a lot sweeter. So he went to Brooklyn and met up with Punky Brewster. Not knowing what happened between her and Rufus, Nate manbangs his way to charm Punky. Too bad nature calls and Manbangs goes away, but like McArthur, he shall return.

Chuck levels-up his game and meets The Lawd’s mom: Duchess Catherine. Yes, Lawd Mharkus and the cougar are mother-son, or stepmother and stepson. Field-goal for Team Bass.

PARTY TIME! And Lawd Mharkus isn’t giggly. Neither is Blair. Serena is trying her best Brooke Davis voice and Blair seems happy to see Dan who is apparently a big Chelsea fan (+10000000000000 points for Team Humphrey!), and so is Serena. The BFFs get pwned a little more until Team Bass brings the duchess. Blair gets pwned and it seems it’s 1st and goal for Team Bass.

The world has run out of sparks as Vanessa and Rufus hoarded it to increase the price of crude oil as they have another steamy scene together. Back at the party, Blair gets pwned more as Tony Romo is about to cross the goal line when he sees Jessica Simpson Nate. So Nate and the cougar share pleasantries and everything else is just gravy. 4th and goal for Team Bass.

Nate for his part didn’t appreciate the liquidation of Victrola. He was so going to make it Gossip Girl’s Central Perk but Chuck had the sweetest plan ever but Nate didn’t buy it. I wonder what could be sweeter? Nothing else but sex on the elevator, that’s what. Nate even caught Dan and Serena in the heat of passion. Possibly a sign of things to come…

Nate and the cougar meet at the Waldorf library and they discuss the future, you know when the duchess divorces the duke, they get married, and have kids like Jenny Humphrey. Speaking of the Humphreys, Rufus finally comes home to see Jenny’s fruits of her labo(u)r. I bet Rufus was a tad bit disappointed when the dress was too small for him. Awwwwwwww.

Blair now gets into Taylor Townsend mode as she tiptoes her way to the library. Like how the missionaries speak very silently at night to plan how to spread the word of God without alarming the emirs and caliphs. She opens the door and finds no one. She was about to close the door when she hears someone slurping really hard like the straw is blocked by the gulaman in the samalamig. Blair tiptoes some more and she sees Nate and the cougar really into the heat of passion. In the position I expounded earlier. Fully clothed. OH MY EFFING GOD!

Nate and Catherine clean up their mess, Nate goes away, Blair hands over her stiletto back to Catherine. Breaking news: Tom Brady got an INT! Randy Moss gets the ball and runs 105 yards for the touchdown! TOUCHDOWN TEAM WALDORF!

The Humphreys are baaaaack. I dunno if it’s that good, but at least Dan is now expanding his horizons so he’s writing a novel now. And they go American Indian. Or should I say Native American. Back at the Palace, Chuck doesn’t know happened, and Blair basks at her victory. Luckily for Team Bass and Tom Brady, there’s always next season. Or in Chuck’s case, a new episode.

Vanessa is sadder than the time Gabriella Montez found out Troy was gay when V found out N can’t make it. Since the cougar gave a ton of money to N for his services. Now that, my dear readers, is sweeter than saccharin.