August 26, 2008

Top ten stupidest sports

During the Olympics, we've seen Michael Phelps ADHD his way to eight golds, the IOC President showing his true colors hating the countries of the Western Hemisphere, and learning that if you're not cute, you'll be sent to a military garrison in the Soviet Far East to learn computer science for designing fake fireworks.

But we've also seen a fair share of really stupid sports, even those not in the Olympics included. WTF are they?

10. Tug of war
Once upon a time, this was actually an Olympic sport. Like two groups pull a rope until someone's arm gets ripped off. Hey actually, this actually more entertaining than...

9. Equestrian
Horse jumps. Horse poops. Meanwhile, the jockey or whatever s/he's called sits around doing nothing. Nothing except maybe breathing and telling the horse what to do. So who wins the medals? The jockey.

8. Beach volleyball
I know. Misty May is hot. But if they'll include this on the Olympic calendar, then surely beach soccer, beach basketball, beach handball, and beach tennis (this will be really hard to play) isn't far behind. Like come on, this is one way to inflate the medal count.

7. Half of the swimming events.
For the love of everything good. Swimming must have at least half of the medals in the Olympics. No wonder Michael Phelps got all of those medals. What's next, 200 m freestyle/breaststroke and every combination of the different strokes? One stroke for every 50 m? Now if the athletics events have a race for every 25 m increments Bolt would've won more medals than Phelps.

6. Curling
Surely the sport of choice for all of the janitors of the world. Roll a really smooth rock, grab a broom and sweep the path of the rock so that it'll stop close to a target. Mag-jolens na lang kayo!

5. Skeleton
Wait, there is sport called skeleton? Sure there is! You'd place two skis on a board, place yourself tummy resting on the board, head first and sliiiiiiiiiiiiiiide down the mountain. How retarted can that be? Well, of course the next sport is more retarted.

4. Luge
No, not the luge competitions on the X-Games. Those are wicked. This luge is like the team variation of skeleton, there two people and they sit on a board with skis, then of course they sliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide down the track. Absolutely no physical effort at all. I remembered they did this as a task on the Amazing Race and the racers passed with flying colors.

3. Sport stacking
Heck this doesn't even deserve the word "sport" on its name. Some kid gets ten plastic cups. Then the kid stacks those ten cups a la pyramid at the fastest time possible. There is absolutely no redeeming factor on this activity. What have you achieved? Would you run faster when some bad-ass points a knife at you? Will you not drown when you swim? Heck even retarded people can do this.

2. Competitive eating
And they even covered this on ESPN. Seriously. A group of people eats hotdogs. The one who eats the most hotdogs in a specified amount of time wins. Mind you, there are even techniques on eating hotdogs, and you can even be disqualified! Like what would you achieve when you win? You can eat the most food and attend more parties in a day? At least it's not "sport eating" like #3.

1. Modern pentathlon
Pierre de Coubertin, the brain behind the modern Olympics, was an avid practitioner of this sport. Basically, this is five sports combined into one:
  • Shooting -- 10 m air pistol.
  • Fencing -- epee. If hit the opponent, you win! YAY!
  • Swimming -- 200 m freestyle
  • Riding -- see #9 above, only in this case you dunno what horse you'll ride. But the horse still does all of the work.
  • Running -- 3 km cross country race

Basically, the premise is to experience what a 19th century cavalry officer does. Like that is still what cavalry officers do nowadays, well, except if you're on the AFP.

Plus: previously, the events is completed for five(!) days. Like as if it can't get any lamer. At least now it's done in one day.

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