The playoffs are here!
No, not the Stanley Cup Playoffs, where white guys beat each other up happens, but the NBA Playoffs, where the regular season is more amazing happens.
Celtics-Hawks: This shouldn't even be here. Celts in 3, because the Hawks will forfeit their last home game since they're too busy crying after the Greens murdered them with a 60+ point lead on Game 3.
Pistons-Sixers: AI will go berserk because his team will lose miserably. OK, they'll win just one game. Pistons in 5.
Magic-Raptors: No one cares. The winner will be mincemeat against the Motown boys. Heck, all of the games in this series would be on cable, and three of those on NBA TV. NBA TV, where no one watches since no one subscribes happens.
Cavaliers-Wizards: The only Eastern Conference series worth wasting your time watching. Arenas will shoot 100% from the line to avenge the Wiz's loss two years ago and the Secret Service will deport Damon Jones to Gitmo. Wiz in 6.
You wondered why I just breezed through the East. Because no one cares about the first round of the Eastern Conference playoffs. Only the Celtics fans will be drinking beer early in the morning. No one will care.
Lakers-Nuggets: Let's relive the past playoff series of the Nuggs since Melo arrived:
- 2007 vs. the Spurs - WLLLL
- 2006 vs. the Clips - LLWLL
- 2005 vs. the Spurs - WLLLL
So you see, the Nuggs have won one game of every series they've played ever since Melo arrived. So what makes you think they'll even win two this time considering they're the 8-seed? Yes it's the West but you betcha David Stern would make it damned sure that the Lakers will earn him his biggest paycheck since the 2006 Finals where referees made it happen happens. So it's Lakers in 5.
Hornets-Mavericks: First the facts: The Hornets in their history has never won a seven-game series. The Mavs haven't won any series since David Stern made the referees made it happen happens. So, since we've demonstrated before that the Hornets are the greatest team in the history of the Western Conference, how can the Mavs even have a chance?
Lemme put at it this way: the only reason why the Mavs will win is because David Stern will make it sure that "they won't notice what the referees made it happen last year since we'll let them win this time" happens. And Stern pities Jason Kidd since he screwed him twice already; one final Playoffs push might make him happy. Mavs in 6.
Spurs-Suns: Four score and seven eons ago, the Spurs were founded, taking Greg Popovich as their first head coach. Several millennia later, Kobe idolized a certain white guy playing in Italy. That was Mike D'Antoni wearing jersey #8. Kobe later realized he's much better than any white guy so he changed his number to #24 to make sure he one-ups the second-greatest player ever in the history of basketball.
The two men had instilled extremely different schools of basketball: Pop makes sure you get bored for no reason at all, and D'Antoni makes sure you'd get excited but you'd still lose in the end. So what's the catch? This time, the Suns made it sure that NO ONE will leave their bench even if Steve Nash is being rushed at the morgue already -- to make sure David Stern won't have to say "that 'the rulebooks says that so that will happen' happens". Only because of that, the sun will shine at the Alamo -- Suns in 6.
Jazz-Rockets: Several millenniums earlier, before Pop's great-great grandparents were conceived, jazz music sprang up from the caves of the cavemen and they inducted as Jerry Sloan as their coach. Fast-forward to today, he is still the coach of their the Jazz, even outliving people such as Socrates, Julius Caesar, George Washington and George W. Bush. Rick Adelman for his part gave up on the state capital of California since there were too many chokers in Sac-Town and he wanted to invest in oil.
What makes me think this series will be different from 2007? Nothing, except for the Jazz will eliminate the Rockets much earlier. Thanks to Yao Ming -- hey at least Stern will lose money since 1.4 billion people are uninterested with his product. Jazz in 5.
Map c/o Roke from Wikimedia Commons. Licensed under the GFDL.