September 21, 2008

Upper East Side, 10075

Hello Baysiders, Manila Bay, that is. The Northern Hemisphere summer is ending and the couples and non-couples are steaming up New York. Dan and Serena are doing it a la Pancakes (that’s “The O.C.” reference), The Lawd and Blair are like Prince William and Kate Middleton, if only they’re still a couple, and the Duchess and Nate are like TomKat, only that the “Tom” is prettier.

Chuck is sucking lollipops at the Palace, Vanessa is so like “un-Vanessa” and Jenny is Eleanor’s slave. Jenny’s brother and his GF can’t prevent PDAs so some Taylor Townsend wannabe takes a photo of them locking uvulas.

Vanessa and Nate met up and of course in all TV shows, the “second party” was right there snooping around. Blair of course gives Serena the best relationship advice: screw Dan Humphrey talk about da reasons, while the camera pans up Blake Lively’s hottest feature: her ass mole.

The next scene gets gayer: Nate and Chuck make out up, and Nate sees that Chuck is two-timing him. Bad boy! Eleanor’s right hand makes Jenny’s life a living hell, times two. And as Jenny was bitching about Eleanor’s design, the right hand slaps Jenny like hell (times two) with her left hand.

Back at the park, Dan and Serena were playing tonsil hockey when the mini-Blair, the mini-Serena and the third girl who I don’t know who she was supposed to be, do their best pep squad impersonations, too bad the “couple” didn’t reciprocate.

Now when Vanessa and Nate were at the moment of locking lips, the Duchess texted Nate and we were deprived of a chance to prove that Chace Crawford was a heterosexual. And with good timing, Blair arrives and invites the two to a partaaaaaaaaaay! Yay?

Serena and Chuck have a brother/sister bonding session and of course Serena sits on the kitchen counter, her ass making contact on that counter…. Oooooooooooooh, ah………….

I forgot, Serena told Chuck to have sex with Blair. NOW!

Jenny’s mouth continues a la Autumn Reeser’s character from the Orange County show and she gets pwned by Eleanor. And she promptly fires her, on the spot. Jenny moves 10 degrees slower than normal as she collects her things to go away.

Nate and the Lawd had a pep talk, and of course, the Lawd effs things up for Blair as he tells the Chace that mommy is coming. Of course the Chace doesn’t want for Vanessa and the Duchess to meet so he un-invites Vanessa. So she runs back to daddy Rufus. And they make out like hell. Now, that’s hot.

So it’s PARTAAAAAAAAAAAAY TIME! Chuck seduces Blair the way you see it on Filipino romance novels, only that it’s ten times hotter and Blair finds sex disgusting. Really, B? Will you say that later? At the other end of the building. Dan and Serena wants to contribute to global warming so they ride the elevator, like as if anyone uses the stairs to get into Blair’s penthouse…

Back at the party, Blair was disappointed when Vanessa didn’t show up with Nate. Just when we see Vanessa show up. And reminiscent of Die Hard 4.0, the entire East Coast Manhattan Island goes black. Just as if it’ll really happen in real life (your two women meeting each other at a party and the entire city goes black).

So Nate explains to Vanessa, but like Dan, she judges him for sleeping with Mrs. Robinson. But because she gives him money, Vanessa suddenly has the time to hear stories so he tells how he and Chuck became best friends forever. And just when we think the Duchess and Blair are bonding, they exchange clich├ęs and what not.

Stuck at the elevator, Dan calls the elevator people. Seeing they won’t be going there until the sun rises up, Serena tells her to tell the elevator people that Lucy McClane she’s with him, and voila! They’re COMING!

Remember that Jenny that took a long time for her to clean up her desk? Guess what, she even had the guts to say goodbye to Eleanor. Eleanor wouldn’t let a minor as hot as Jenny go outside the dark city late at night so the boss allows her to hang around. And inquire upon her fashionista types. Just like how Roger Ebert dissed Freddy Got Fingered, Jenny dissed Eleanor Designs since it makes models look like witches from the Salem Witch Trials. And just like Tom Green receiving the awards at the Razzies, Eleanor accepted the dissing. For real.

After Nate told Vanessa his first real relationship with Chuck, Vanessa still does a Dan but she finally went to the point: do you really want to screw the Duchess? Nate tells her she wants to screw with her, and they bond like Mighty Bond and paper.

Blair needs sex like babies need milk, so she tells the Lawd to meet her at her room. And Vanessa has a showdown with the Duchess. Too bad the Duchess shows the trump card, and Vanessa has nothing to show but her Shear Genius-styled hair. What the heck is it?

Alone at her dark room, Chuck uses his best British accent (Wait, Ed Westwick IS British!) and we have the hottest sex on TV since Trey and Marissa on the O.C. Blair’s mom accepted Jenny’s apology, and Jenny tells her some story that may be half-true but what the heck.

Dan and Serena are sweaty inside the elevator, like that place has no ventilation! And it’s tiny and humid. Good thing Serena is not claustrophobic, but Dan is, so he jumps up and down to open the shaft from the ceiling. Serena gets pissed but Dan fell to the floor and they finally talk. She realizes that they keep on having the same fight, the war of the classes: the bourgeoisie vs. the proletariat. If Karl Marx were alive, he’d be watching the greatest show ever.

The lights come up, and Nate goes to the room, but instead of seeing V, he sees the Duchess. The Lawd sees Blair and Chuck screwing like dogs on the street, only that they’re clothed. The Lawd gets pissed and just like in the previous season, Chuck gets sucker punched. And just like on season 1, the girl goes with the guy that sucker punched Chuck. With Chuck’s juices still flowing inside Blair, she tells him: “let’s make out!” as they make up.

Nate catches up with Vanessa, and she tells her that she’s out. For good. The Duchess wins! And Nate is the prize. How effing sweet!

Jenny and Eleanor bond some more so we see Rufus’ date: it’s Vanessa! some girl that looks like Vanessa! Her name’s Claire Bennet! Jenny introduces Eleanor to daddy and Claire, and Eleanor rehires Jenny. Why does Jenny always get away with everything? WHY?!

The elevator people didn’t come, but the door opens, and Dan and Serena ends it. They make out one last time, what the heck, I can’t take this anymore! I’m to sad, and I’m not even emo. At least that what I’d like what I perceive myself to be.

Ever watched America’s Next Top Model? No? Good. Because the contestants there won’t make Chuck activate the thing that needs to be activated. Just it’s like remote control, there are only certain types of battery that are suitable, AAA won’t be suitable for an AA remote control, and Chuck knows this, so he’d just practice what the hero did in 40 Days and 40 Nights.

Back in Brooklyn, the Brooklynites sulk on their failed relationships, V tells D that N is a gigolo. And V tells the Duchess’ trump card: Catherine knows where Howard the Captain is. With all of the sad music, the episodes ends as Dan puts his arms on Vanessa’s shoulders.

Next week: Amanda Bynes guests stars as Dan’s new giggly girlfriend, and Vanessa discovers that the Duchess came from the Netherlands. All new Gossip Girl, to be trashed by an all-new Chuck.

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