October 23, 2008
Nips/Chuck, or when Blair went to Cubao
You were probably thinking WTF was that? That my friends was Audrey Hepburn in "My Fair Lady." Since Blair is a Audrey of all generations fanatic, she was again dreaming that she is as awesome as Audrey. The thing is, some blonde effs it up for her. Blondes always win.
For me, Yale is the one you'd see at the jeepneys if you're going to Cubao; the thing is I never quite figured out where it is, what I know is that it is beyond Cubao. Oh, the perils of Cubao, the blue and pink footbridge, Gateway Mall, the Big Dome and my hangout the Ketch Store at EDSA. At night. With characters fitting for the newest thriller by Nicolas Sparks.
But for Blair, Yale is end-all of her existence. Ever since Eleanor gave birth to her, she's hellbent on getting into Yale so that she can lay the smack down on one Rory Gilmore and be allies with Paris Geller so that she can make out with some real hot professors. Serena is contented with Brown, Dan ditched Darthmouth since Darthmouth profs ditched Darthmouth for Yale, and Chuck, well, is Chuck.
But Blair wants to screw herself so she laid down the smack down to Serena: you are one major loser like your ex-BF. Serena decides to go to Yale and make out with some really hot professors. And be like Paris. Geller. And to level it up, make out with the dean too. So she goes away as we stare at her hot arse. Awesomeness.
Meanwhile, while at Brooklyn, Jenny and Rufus are having a daughter-daddy fight. Oh, and I thought daddies and daughters are close. So Jenny brought in Vanessa to explain to him that he should watch her work at Eleanor's sweatshop. And Jenny does this while wearing a really red lipstick. Like who wears lipstick on their house? But since Rufus is into red hot lipsticks, he wholeheartedly agrees. Yippee!
So we're off to Yale, and like yours truly, Dan rides the awesome public transport, seeing the splendor that is New York and southern Connecticut. Seeing the way Serena rode on when she ran away from Sheperds, and boys with bangs, Dan thinks of ways to eff up his interview. Like one-liners such as "Will Yale like me?" or "Are there hot blondes in Yale?" Fortunately, Dan does eff it up, and only the dude from the Ivy Mixer sending in a recommendation letter. Old dude and Dan from the future had creative differences so no letters of endearment from them. Sad. At least he has a back-up: go to the Yale English department that was previously Darthmouth's.
Outside in the grassy lawn of Yale are Chuck and Nate, oogling at the hot chicks from New Haven. And one really hot brunette made the toothy grin, and Nate made the hairy bangs move. It was love at first grin. And Chuck? He was abducted by the Tau Gamma peeps. Blair was warming up for the showdown observing some cats waving their hands (check out Kelly Clarkson's "Miss Independent" music video) when someone unexpected showed up. And it was that hot blonde from "The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants 2." Wearing the same worn-out, never been washed pants. And since the dean lurved her, she'll go on a date, with about a dozen other girls, and dudes. Blair was stunned. And fainted when she smelled those filthy pants. Eeew.
So toothy grin girl and man bangs hangs out. But some jocks on the other bench were loudly discussing their disdain for Nate Archibald, since the Knicks made sure the Celtics lose (those were the days, wait did those days ever happen anyway?). Nate has to think of a new name, and what better name to use than... Dan Humphrey! Now to be Dan the man and talk about, how Sartre ended up being mentioned at One Tree Hill.
Chuck is at the Tau Gamma frathouse, where they planned on making Chuck a plant in the upcoming Oblation Run, where Chuck will use his skillz to wreak havoc with the Apo dudes. But Chuck has a way better idea: girls on the frathouse, where boys are starved like lions before Daniel was fed to them.
Blair looked like the cutest girl scout with her get-up, but the dean wasn't impressed: you didn't make out with Lehman Brothers bankers! Too bad you can only make out with JP Morgan Chasers now, they're not as hot as the Lehman boys. Blair, in a last ditch effort, kisses the dean. But the dean was too weirded out and was too wasted with Serena's hotness to even pay attention to the cuteness that was in front of him. Blair left, dejected, but she can always improvise, but as what Tim Foyle said, it often does not work. The girls meet up outside and they trash talk like Mark Cardona and Warren de Guzman, although I would've liked it better if they did what the two UAAP dudes did after they trash talked like hell.
Meanwhile, Rufus stalks Eleanor Waldorf silently from the shadows, totally ignoring what he should be doing there, making Jenny go back to Constance so she can make Elise Wells come back from Mongolia so that they can do with they did at the books. Or so I've read. Somewhere.
The stepsiblings finally meet up, and Chuck spills the beans on Blair's darkest secret: her answer to that night's question: what is the capital of Transnistria. Serena was too dumb to even know what Transnistria is, so she asks for help from some random Yale dude. For a price. Since Serena's so into it, she does it. And loves every millisecond of it.
Toothy grin girl and Dan bangs were in the heat of making out when the real Humphrey Dumpty introduces himself. Nate is grossed out, and dishes out the best Nate Archibald line: "no matter Serena left you." Dan understands. He is the most understanding guy in the world, remember? And remember about the Kelly Clarkson music video? Blair has tons of those waving kittens so receptionist has no choice but to let Blair in da club.
Rufus delivers the verdict: you still have to make out with Elise. Jenny passes a motion for reconsideration.
OH YES PARTY TIME! R U PARTY?!?!?! Serena finally new the capital of Transnistria, and Blair knows it too, but the dean changes the question: who would you talk with, real or imagined? Since the dean wants order, the prospectors answer by alphabetical order, while he draws out the persons from a bowl. Awesome, isn't it? Like abiogenesis has a higher probability of happening than someone randomly picking a names in alphabetical order. And since Waldorf comes before Woodsen, Serena can cheat. Now I know why Nate always effs up in recitations.
As awesome was the frathouse turning into a sex den, the Tau Gamma peeps wanted more: they want Nate Archibald to run naked on campus. So Chuck calls up Nate. And the fun begins. Really.
Blair and Serena are still outwitting each other on Transnistrian politics when the dean starts randomly drawing out names in alphabetical order. As usual, we start with A.
And as usual, Dan was his usual lonely pathetic self when the Skull and Bones jocks abduct him. AND HE WAS SCREAMING "CEDRIC HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" all the while Chuck was satisfied. Too bad Cedric was busy making out with Blair Cabbage Patch kid. Even dolls have their own lives too.
After Blair delivers her answer, even with Serena filibustering, she was able to leave a lasting impression to the dean. Until the dean blurts out Serena's answer: Pete Fairman. You know, the addict Serena gave eternal life. Serena gotted uber pissed but Blair was grinning (oh I love that word) from ear to ear. Serena drags Blair outside as they get ready for their Unfinished Business. Waldorf-van der Woodsen II.
First the obligatory trash talking. Mark Cardona will be proud. Then Serena leaves, and Blair throws her purse, hitting Serena's hair extensions which falls off! Serena exclaims, "You did not just ruin my hair. I spent the entire night making it pretty!" Blair retorts, "My hair's prettier! It has blonde streaks! Like Eric's!" Serena upset, "You did not just bring up Eric!" Blair proudly says, "Oh yes I did!" Serena charges like LaDamian Tomlinson and pushes Blair, Blair pushes her back. Then they were playing a game of "Tag! You're it!" when Serena stripped Blair of her headband! Blair, enraged, strips off Serena her dress! Serena is livid when the jocks saw her in all of her glory, "WTF Blair, you wanna see how others will react when they see you're such a skinny bitch?" while removing Blair's dress. Then they kick each other a la taekwondo black belters, on heels!
All the while while Lily was trying out Serena's dress, the one that exposes her midriff, and really short skirt. Jenny brought Rufus to the Palace, and the two lovebirds met. So they exchanged pleasantries, and bodily fluids, and waved goodbye, all in front of Jenny. She was taking notes, we've heard. The whole point of this scene was for Lily to tell Rufus to make Jenny drop out of high school, since Chuck's plans aren't over for little J.
Nate is bored as usual. And again with his Spidey-sense he overheard the jocks talking about how they beat up the loser that is Nate Archibald. Offended as hell, Nate threw a punch that'll make Dan proud. But Dan is not on his proudest moment as he's half-naked in his boxers tied up at the statue of Handsome Dan. Yes, the mascot of Yale is nicknamed Handsome Dan. Nate arrives and was at the point of releasing Dan from the shackles of poverty when he saw the statue's name. WTF? Are you that self-serving? Eff you. Good thing toothy grin girl arrived to save the day. And she's a daughter of a navy guy, she can loose out knots. Yeah, like engineers' daughters can solve the vector relationships of two walls or whatever.
The catfight was over, and the two wear picking up their ripped clothing. They agree never to speak at each other ever again and they leave singing the "Where You Lead."
The next day, Jenny was wearing something 15-year-olds won't wear at their house, but I don't care. She and Vanessa awaits Rufus' decision. And Daddy obliges. Thanks to the hotness that is Lily Bass. Blair and Serena make out, and realize they should remain as BFFs, and apologize to the deans when they trashed his yard. Nate, Dan and toothy grin girl fix up Dan's Yale application as Dan wonders when can be Nate Archibald's version of Dan Humphrey. Chuck basically says "screw you" to the Tau Gamma peeps, and Nate confronts Chuck about the events of last night and said he wasn't happy. And he'll be happier riding the train with his new BFF Dan. Blair and Serena were hot in love with each other as they leave Yale and leave New Haven knowing Serena would go to Yale, and Blair was to skinny to even enter via a athletic scholarship for their field hockey team. Jenny's back at the sweatshop for good, and Lily was trying out some hotter clothing the next time she watches the Yankees. Next spring. HA!
Good bye New Haven, welcome back, Hell's Kitchen.