October 17, 2008

The Seed of Chucky, or the episode where Bart made out with Lily. For realz.

Oh yes, fashion week, as if I know what this is. Guess what, I did some research. Apparently, fashion week began because the French were such losers in World War II so Americans began their own exhibition since Adolf Hitler was too drunk to discern the differences between the French and the Jews, so he just killed them all in the same. So the dearth of French designers caused, what the heck, you came here not to read a history lesson so let's carry on.

The Humphrey children are discussing on how to prevent the fate of the French. It's refreshing to see Dan's polo shirt have the same length as Jenny's uniform. It's like a Japanese anime Sailor Moon, only that Jenny doesn't say "moon power make up". She does wield an entire bag of make up kits though. Dan tells her that Yale pirated the entire Darthmouth English department a la the Somalians. Meanwhile, Blair is busy making the Eleanor Waldorf fashion show the fashion show to end all fashion shows. The van der Woodsens, who came to America from the Netherlands after Hitler made sure Anne Frank and her cohorts are being wasted at Auschwitz, were busy discussing how Lily was so hot back in the day, and how Serena will turn into East Coast's Paris Hilton.

Meanwhile, after we saw the old Constance+St. Jude's facade, we now see the new one, where Blair and Chuck were busy planning on how to retake Europe from Hitler's evil plans. If you've studied at UST's Faculty of Arts and Letters, you'll notice that the girls' uniform is practically the same with what Blair is wearing as she's telling Chuck that Rufus Humphrey is the hottest dad. Ever. And that she'll make out with him later in the episode. Of course, Chuck won't be outdone, but since he's too emo, he'd get help from the unlikeliest of sources: Dan Humphrey 30 years from now. And right after Blair pwned Chuck, Serena pwned Blair without lifting a strand of hair.

About Dan of the future, he throws back to Dan of the present his manuscript full of red ink. I guess editors from both non-fiction and fiction worlds are of the same color: red. That's why this blog is called "Verbatim," since no one edits this. That also explains why the posts here reads funny (and I don't mean as in "Triumph the Insult Dog funny" but "WTF I can't understand this funny"). And WTF on the Charlie Trout name, might as well call him Carlos Dilis. So Dan of the future tells Dan of the present to stalk Charlie Trout so he can find something interesting to write about.

Meanwhile, the most awesome part of the episode came in early: Gossip Girl disses in Kristen Dunst. But every diss is always short-handed. Kristen Dunst is soooo 2000, not 2007. So Jenny suggests to grab another character from the copycat show: get Natalie Kimpton and call her Poppy Lifton! Wasted people who watch both shows won't notice the difference.

Back at the Bass suite, Dan beats up the Bass elevator man so he can get inside Chuck's suite. He meets Chuck and they make out like this show is aired on cable. Chuck asks him if he practices autoeroticism, and Dan answers an enthusiastic YES! Forget about NUck, it's time for DUck! And DUck will get to hang out. Niceeeeee. Meanwhile, at the Waldorf penthouse, remember that Blair had a nervous breakdown when Vanessa's phone blurted out "check operator services"? This time Blair was at the point of passing out when Dorota told her that it was Jenny who dissed Kristen Dunst, the Audrey Hepburn of the 2000s. And since Blair is the fan of the Audrey Hepburns of any era, she was pissed as hell. And when she's pissed, she formulates a plan even Hitler would not even dream of thinking...

...because it effed up terribly. But Eleanor dishes in the dirt on Jenny, and Blair has the trump card. Or has she? They meet each other on the way out, and Jenny realizes, wow, I'm screwed.

So it's time for DUck, and the waiter gave DUck 6 shots of some alcoholic drink I'd rather not identify. Dan is at the point of effing things up so Chuck tells him: briefcase or no briefcase? Dan chose no briefcase and he continued Chuck's game.

The last time the van der Woodsens had a brunette guest at their family dinner, bad things happened. Serena didn't learn her lesson so she still invited Poppy, and we finally saw her. And Poppy and Lily combined forces to convince Serena to pwn Blair some more. Nothing like Chamberlain convincing Churchill that he restored peace for our time.

Finally Blair was able to find her way into the maze that is Brooklyn and stuns Rufus with a hot and wet kiss only reserved for the likes of Sandy Cohen. Rufus was so into it, but remembers that Blair must be here for something so he asks her: "Who do you work for?" Blair, smiling at the end of every sentence, drops the bomb: Jenny's skipping school.

DUck calls the night over, and I'm surprised Dan is still awake. With all of those alcohol you should either be wasted or in a bloody mess, but of course Chuck has some more tricks up his sleeve. Sensing that Dan is uncomfortable, he tells him to remove his shoes. He does and Chuck kicks him out of the limo. In Newark. New Jersey. The state where there are more swamps than the fans of the New Jersey Devils. Raining. With Joey Potter. Wait, WTF he's in Wilmington, North Carolina? At least Dan is shoeless, he won't be accused of being a Richard Reid wannabe.

Blair starts the blitzkrieg and Jenny weepily says goodbye to her beloved fabrics she has dearly loved. Blair was there to witness the pwnage but Jenny and her allies won't be that easy to put down. The next day, we now learn that the Humphreys have been kicked out of the loft and are now living at a motel, and Jenny has to meet the head-bitch of Constance. No, it's not Serena or even Blair, it's the dreaded Miss Queller. But Jenny wants to be the Kira Plastinina of this generation so she'll do whatever it takes, wait Kira Plastinina is the Kira Plastinina of this generation.

Finally it's the showdown: remember on the second episode prior to the Bass brunch where Blair smacked down Serena's hot ass? This time, Serena told her she'll go to the show, right at Blair's face. Remember Leningrad, Nazis, that was when the tide turned. At the other side of town, Dan of the future still hates Dan of the present. And he tells him go eff him. Dig up dirt, and hang out his dirty laundry. You can do it Humphrey! And girl Humphrey finally met up with the evil Miss Queller. Wearing a dress 15-year-olds aren't supposed to dress.

Lily's been busy hunting down a certain photograph, OK, lemme put it bluntly, some porn she did when she was Serena's age. But her P.I. was one-upped by a certain Bart Bass. Lily doesn't know what to do. That P.I. must have been named Keith.

Then we see Jenny at Eleanor's show, along with the Tinz (Tinsley Mortimer). And Blair was surprised to see Jenny. Blair won't be one-upped by a sophomore, so she improvises. Blair, a basic tenet of suspects is that if they improvise, the plan would most likely fail. You should've asked Chuck Bass for help. Speaking of the Bass-tard, he was lonely at the bar. And what better way to lift up your spirits after talking to RoboCop is to hang out with Lonely Boy himself, who interviews him using the technique everyone uses: the magic mirror.

So ano Chuck Bass, isipin mo sa magic mirror ay nandon si Papa Bart. Anong sasabihin mo sa kanya, etech? Chuck was too lonely to even comprehend what language Lonely Boy was speaking, so he just told him RoboCop is meaner than Mean Girls. Finally he got bored so he went to the nearest chick available and offered his services. Too bad chick didn't oblige, and her BF was boiling when Dan intervened. Dan of the future said: "be ruthless!" And when BF was about to break Chuck's neck, Dan comes to the rescue and ray guns him until his isang-daang porsyento ng kapangyarihan is depleted. Awesome.

The rest of the fashion show is that Jenny thinks of a way to fix Blair's screwing. And for the Tinz to do something worthwhile, she models the hippest Eleanor Waldorf designs. And Poppy lets go and makes out with Serena after telling her that she's so hot and she should totally dump Blair. Blair improvises some more and hands out Jenny's dress to Serena. Amazingly, Jenny's dress fits wonderfully to Serena's oh-so-hot body, and Blair grins a la Demi Lovato in the distance.

DUck is thrown to jail. And Dan does his best Chino Trinidad impression giving us the play-by-play action inside their jail cell. And just like Manny Pacquiao thanking "No Per" apparel at the end of his fights, Chuck disses the dish: his mom died when she gave birth to him, that's why RoboCop is so cold to him. Enter SPO1 to inform Mr. Bass that he's free. Good thing he'll instruct his lawyers to help Dan as they shake each others hands, and they make out, in the Showtime version of the show. Awesome?

Bart arrives from wherever he came from, bringing Lily the prettiest necklace since "Seventeen Candles." But Bart sensed (he's RoboCop, remember?) it wasn't what Lily was expecting, so he asks her: WTF do you want? Lily demands to see the photograph to view her former splendor, and Bart makes out with her. FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER IN THE HISTORY OF THE SHOW. But Bart has more dirt in which a P.I. named Keith happily dug up.

Eleanor finally notices Serena's dress: WTF that's not my dress! Jenny talks sense into Blair, and to make the long story short, she said "I wanna be your friend." Like, really, Little J?

Did you know that even NYC policemen are incompetent? PO1 guy threw Chuck the wrong bag, and Lonely Boy gets busted. Ooops. And Bart drops the bomb to Lily in the form of an envelope. Lily is shocked. What could be it? Serena was born as a brunette? ODK*!

Eleanor is fuming. Jenny betrayed her. But the curly haired left hand told her that the Tinz is RAVING about Serena's dress. Like the Big Ben fitted inside that skirt! Good way to hide their anorexic little bodies approaching the sizes not heard of since Annie Wilson went to the West Coast. Jenny pleaded to Eleanor to tell them that is Eleanor's own dress, (Like she just plagiarized it from her, heck it even happens in the fashion world. Who knew?) And Eleanor's head is spinning, so what the hell, Jenny escapes unscathed. All the while Rufus was throwing molotov cocktails outside the show, "Lemme in! Miss Queller ditched me because of Jenny! I HAD A CHANCE! ARGH!"

And the other Humphrey? Dan of the future saved Dan of the present from incarceration and Danny Boy lived to fight another day, only that his judgmental ass made him not use Chuck's secret, much to the dismay of Dan of the future. DotF goes away sobbing, and he disappeared into the dark Long Island night, just as the Yankees did this year.

Jenny is the toast of the town, and Rufus doesn't like it one bit. But nothing's stopping little Humphrey dumpty. She ditched the bitches, Constance and Nelly Yuki. For good. And Serena? She ditched Blair, just as when Blair was about to do a better liplock. Guess what B, a hotter brunette was all Serena wanted to be free. But she's not free to the paps though.

Next week: Serena appears on TMZ, Blair issues a challenge, and the two duke it out MMA style. In heels. In the name of Peter Fairman. All new Gossip Girl next week, actually maybe a couple of days from now. OXOX.

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