May 6, 2008

The f-bomb: on national network TV

Let's play a game! What do you think is Serena's secret?
A. She, Georgina and Howie "The Captain" Archibald had a sex tape.
B. She aborted her and Nate's baby.
C. She and Chuck are currently having a incestuous affair.
D. She caused someone to forget breathing is essential to live.

This is not the SATs or the UPCAT or whatever, and I'll guarantee that the answer is within one of the choices; I'm not one of those teachers who gives out trick multiple choice questions in which the answer can either be all of them or none.

And WTF are the girls of High School Musical are doing here? Aren't they supposed to be cheering for Boozer and company at Mormon country?

If you haven't watched the episode yet, GO AWAY! Go watch Lobo or Dyesebel or the craparola they call PBBTE+.

The episode begins with rather scary music (which should be a prelude of things to come), you know where we're recapped of what happened: Jenny looking for a "king," Eric at the Ostroff Center, Rufus and Lily cooking dinner, Georgina and Serena seeing each other, Dan and Sara(h) meeting for the first time, and we saw Chuck for the first and the last time in this episode. Yes, no date rapist-turned-I love my sister Chuck Bass. Because he is Chuck Bass. And no Nate Archibald too. Maybe he loved the Knicks too much.

We see the Met in all of her splendor, which would be corrupted by the minions of the battle of New York. The Upper East Side vs. Brooklyn. Blair and her army vs. Jenny and her minions, and Elise. And Nelly Yuki (she should be always referred to her full name) is now elevated to the B (Blair)-list, to replace the Asian turned Jew Kati Farkas. I still miss that Asian drone, she was hot. Nelly Yuki is just too dorky. It seems that B and Little J are dishing out dirt as well as the Senators in the GSIS Building. And what could be worse for Blair? Seeing Little J make out with Asher Hornsby (that surname doesn't sound right). The army and the minions must be jealous. They won't be, soon.

The van der Woodsen children go to school and tells us the rumour that Eric is Gossip Girl. Come on, we already know that, no need to bring that up. He IS Gossip Girl. Period. Or maybe it's Rufus. Whatever.

At the Brooklyn coffeehouse, Sara(h), Dan and Vanessa spend some quality bonding moments, where Dan relates his problems to a girl he just met two weeks ago, and Vanessa is super duper friendly. Since when she's been friendly? Oh yes, to Nate. She even let him kiss her on their first date. Like who does that? Oh.

At the "new" Constance+St. Jude's, Jenny and her minions are having girl talk when a cream-colored pants-wearing Eric wants to talk to Jenny. Eric talking to Jenny? That hasn't happened until Thanksgiving... and apparently I'm right since Jenny is so in to Asher nowadays she has dismissed Eric. What's Eric's beef? What is he trying to do? Is he trying to break up the city's hot new couple? Or did he already?

Finally we'd have at least our quota of one Darena moment. Serena being all too happy and goofy while Dan tries his best Seth Cohen impression. I dunno what's Dan's problem with Asher but a brother's suspicion is always correct. Trust me on that.

So we see Dan go out of the "new" school and he see somebody, oh, Asher and some guy wearing cream-colored pants making out and flirtily touching each other's ties. The the other "guy" wears the same tie as Dan. And oh, other guy looks like a blond mini-Chuck. And who else was in the vicinity? Sara(h)/Georgina getting the hots for Asher and Dan making out. Oh hell yeah.

Back at the Palace, no, not the home of the Detroit Pistons, Lily wants former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer to be seated "as far away to Serena". Like come on, maybe old Serena may have liked him but I think the former Governor likes brunettes. Then we see Spitzer Rufus raring to play tonsil hockey with her but instead wimps out to ask about Jenny. You know, the blond bitch in training who'd turn out to be a blond mini-Georgina when she becomes a junior. So he and Lily takes off to go someplace we don't know. Maybe the Waverly Inn, or Hotel Sogo in Cubao. Or Wise Hotel in Quiapo. Don't ask me how I knew of these places.

Now we don't know where Asher and Dan went after Asher made out with a cream pants-wearing blond mini-Chuck but it seems they're back at Constance+St. Jude's. And WTF is Asher doing at Constance+St. Jude's when he's supposed to be at Unity, at the Upper West Side (ooooooh TQ song)? Doesn't he have classes or something?

Anyway, the boys have a heart to heart talk: Dan told him he saw him kissing another guy, and to prove his manhood, UWS boy proclaimed that he will pop Jenny's cherry tonight. The Brooklynite took offense since he wants to pop Asher's cherry later when Jenny the Supergirl comes to save the day! So if the boat has one lifeboat and only two persons can fit, who would Jenny save? Boyfriend or brother? Of course, it's Asher.

So Dan goes to the two people who can give him the best advice. Not Sara(h) and Vanessa, or Rufus and Lily, but the ultimate gay couple of the show, Serena and Blair. Much like Paris and Rory, one had to change hair color. I know this is done to differentiate the two hotties but if there are two people who needs distinction, it's the second-best gay couple in the show Chuck and Nate since I always mistook one for another in the early days (isn't it pathetic how I always bring up Chuck and Nate?)

Anyhoo, Dan, after the obligatory hockey shootout with Serena, comes to ask for advice on what to do with her blond sister. The BFFs tell him subtlety to send it to Gossip Girl, since Blair and Jenny are having World War IV in trenchcoats, and what better way to involve Gossip Girl into the plot.

Seems that Rufus has really moved on from Lily. Or does he? With the way he placed that bracelet on Lily's wrist, the way his face reacted when he saw Lily on her wedding dress (isn't it you're not supposed to try out to dress until the wedding day?). And where's Bart Bass? With son Chuck fishing with Nate Archibald and the New York Knicks?

And seems that the writers are giving the Dan-Blair shippers some scenes eh? Looks like they're goody-goody now. And Dan did what Dan would not do: SEND TIPS TO GOSSIP GIRL! What would be more than cool than that? The tip, of course: Dan told GG that he saw Asher making out with a guy. But since Dan has poor eyesight he didn't notice who the other person is. Good thing the other Upper East Sider (or is it a Brooklynite?) at the other side of the street saw who the other guy is. Jenny receives the tip and is so freaked out (well not really). But since Blair didn't send it, who did? Waldorf must be proud. And Vanessa Hudgens too. Oh, I should've made a Piolo-Sam joke a while ago but my lawyers stopped me. And for some stroke of luck, Blair was able to obtain the messages from Asher's cellphone. It's McNasty!

You should realize that an episode as great as this needs 2 parts. Part 2 of the recap to come. Later. Promise.

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