September 23, 2008

One Leigh Hill, or the episode when we ditched headbands for scarves

Break-up's a bitch. I should know right? Like in every gossip column, the broke-up couple becomes friends, and they're all civil to one another, but no, in real "real" life, break-ups are nastier than the hair of Vanessa Abrams. Breaking up is not hard to do, it's what to do when the break-ups over: be like Logan Echolls and sulk in your room all day or be Serena van der Woodsen and introduce a new fashion statement: ditch the headbands gals, it's time to wear scarves!

Lily's back from watching underaged Chinese gymnasts tiebreak their way to the gold medal, and what better way to be back is for Chuck to deliver the news that she and Dan broke up for like 34566 times the whole summer. The Humphrey males are more open discussing their sex lives, too bad Jenny's a girl. And girls in high school have cliques. Like I've been to high school, and they did do that, but it wasn't that fierce. But Constance isn't your ordinary school so, Jenny's screwed for the rest of her Constance days.

The posse have an interview of their new inductees: a daughter of the Knicks doctor, Eliot Spitzer's 12 girlfriends, and some Hilary Clinton plants. While Blair's having the time of her life screwing other people's lives, Serena goes to school and sees Dan diligently scribbling the sequel to "5-18-08", and realizes that she's screwed. Blair finds a new girl to train to be the next Jenny Humphrey. And Blair and the Lawd are having the time of their lives. And apparently, Nate and Vanessa weren't really friends. Maybe they're Myspacers.

Meanwhile, Dan teaches Jenny "Being a Loner 101", and perhaps Jenny can learn some more from me if she needs more prerequisites on being a loser. But Dan being the loser that he is, he (it looks unintentional) bumps into a girl with the fringe (bangs if you're American). And when you bump into each other of course you exchange names, address, sex and location. In true shy girl fashion, she says sweetly, "Hi, I'm Amanda!" Too bad Serena saw Dan and the girl bonding and her day just got worse. After checking out the competition's stats, Blair remarks "She is a Dan Humphrey with boobs", but doesn't Dan have manboobs? But apparently Serena doesn't get it since she thinks her hair is like spaghetti

The Duchess wants to screw things up so she goes to the gallery/cafe, and hands Vanessa an envelope. And just as the usual telenovela fashion, when Vanessa was checking out the contents of the envelope, the Duchess vanishes like Obi Wan-Kenobi.

Back at school, Dan and Serena meet each other for the first time, and agree that they'll be civil to each other for the meantime. And just when Serena asks Dan for lunch, Amanda comes bouncing around and pwns Serena that she's eating Dan's lunch of waffles. Too bad Serena doesn't like Chuck's lunch. So Blair has to take matters into her own hands, again.

And of course, since Lily's back, she'd go to Rufus to screw around, er say hello. And unlike Lily, Rufus moved on with Vanessa Claire Bennet, and Rufus' parents brought him up not to destroy Serena and Chuck's incestious relationship (more on that later).

So Blair meets up with Amanda, and screws up the DAmanda lunch. What can Amanda do? Or Serena? As we gaze as Serena and her really short skirt. So tell me, where is St. Jude's? Since the skirts of the Constance uniform are really short, and I can still pass up as a high school senior so...

Vanessa does not want to be bought either by Blair, Chuck or the Duchess so she returns the envelope to the Duchess. Apparently the Duchess was away so V just placed the envelope on a desk. Well of course that's such a boring conclusion to the storyline so the writers tells her to pick up the envelope, snoop around, and open the door. She sees the Duchess and the Lawd scoring a home run. Too bad the Yankees can't score enough home runs this year, so go Red Sox!

And oh, I forgot, in true Gossip Girl fashion, V wields out her camera-phone and snaps up the two cozying up.

(You know for all of the creepiness and sickness of what I write here and elsewhere, I should've called for this to happen. Or maybe I did it on my twisted mind. I dunno, must've forgot about that.)

Dan's bummed. He doesn't want to be lonely for lunch, WTF he's lonely boy, he can manage. Chuck hums by and tells him that Amanda's in Rwanda with the bitches committing ethnic cleansing. Dan is mortified about this and eats his waffles alone, sobbing about the sorry state affairs of East African states. Out of nowhere, V calls D, and off they go to see Idi Amin's final resting place.

So it's LUNCH TIME! The part when your tummy send signals to your brain that you need to consume those burgers at McDonald's. And since the Met's steps are being paved a la an inclined plane, they eat on a crappier place. Maybe on the steps of the home of the New York Islanders. Just when Blair was about the bring it on, Serena stops her, and treats Amanda to a basket of Humphrey waffles. Her treat!

Dan has a different kind of lunch: he and V discuss how Blair should take down the Duchess to make sure she goes back at the other side of the pond. Dan recommends Blair, and that says a lot on the "a-couple" of season four.

After lunch, Dan saw his friend the Flash and tagged along for a 5-second back to the school, where he met up with Serena and as usual, Serena explained, and Dan bitched like a girl. And since Dan is now the girl in the relationship, Serena steps her game up and gets into whore mode. Remember, whore > bitch. Always.

And just as Serena left, off bounces Amanda and invites Dan to a girls' night out.

Vanessa shows to Blair the pic, and Blair is enraged: you only showed me a pic? What? Your phone doesn't allow you to record videos? WTF? You low-life bitch! And when she was about to send the pic, the phone cried "Check operator services". Blair had a nervous breakdown. Poor girl.

So it's, I dunno, under-age drinking at the bar time? DAmanda were having a great time, and Amanda leads him in front of the bitches. Amanda produces a half-smile sweetly to the bitches as they snap pics like the TMZ paparazzi.

Now for my favorite scene: Jenny throws a pillow at Dan's face while he was sleeping, he got pissed so they had a pillow fight, and Jenny got sweaty and stuff and she was moaning in tiredness, and you get the drift. Jenny won so she tells him to apologize to Serena for hanging out with Little Miss Hannah Montana.

Now for my second-favorite scene: Chuck caresses Serena's mole, S gets so turned on, and squees to her delight when Chuck gives her a grilled cheese sandwich. S is so grateful they do the nasty, in bed. After a morning of wet and wildness, S sees the pics from TMZ and figures, "I must do something to win! I can't be like Blair last week!"

Jenny's thrilled to see Vanessa at school, like "I'm so NOT alone anymore!" Too bad she's looking for Blair, and for that, she'd have to ask the bitches. The bitches hand out the information, but not after they tell her what things they might do to her as the season tags along.

I don't get it: aren't you allowed to date someone if you're broken-up? Or bring a date in front of your ex's friends? In any case, Serena's pissed as hell, and Dan blurts out a few choice words. Then Nelly Yuki puts a light bulb above Serena's head, and it lights up! Serena and DAmanda will go on a triple date! Sweet?

Vanessa goes at some high-end restaurant and sees Blair snugging up the Lawd. Vanessa, after careful deductive reasoning, concludes that Blair screwed it up. V, heed D's advice: trust BW! Just as V left, B spilled the beans, and Catherine doesn't like it. So B lays down the cards. And V takes matters, heck, she talked with the Duke.

A whole day ended and it's now the threesome between Serena and DAmanda. Serena doesn't know that "Ubermensch" really is Superman, and that Friedrich Nietzsche proclaimed the death of God, of which DAmanda were happily blabbing about, so the bitches came in to help with the captain of Dalton lacrosse team. Now Serena and the Dalton guy was talking about sports, and DAmanda think they're in intellectual high ground so screw them.

Serena and Dan talked, and Serena got all pissed and Dan couldn't do anything. Dan said that they must spend time apart, and Serena suggested DAmanda to leave, hey after all, that bar is her turf. And then we see Chuck in the most ridiculous costume and mocks Dan some more.

Nate does his best "Hey <insert name here>!" impression so B spills the beans: The Duchess and the Lawd are off to rainy ol'England if B keeps her mouth shut. Too bad V effed things up. Speaking of effing up, Chuck places some blue stuff on a glass, and the bitches pour it into Amanda's hair. Amanda freaks out when she sees her hair is on fire!!!!!! Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh! Dan gets screwed and is angry as Marion Jones after roid rage.

Back at the waffle factory, Lily brings in some Gran Matador and a pirated DVD of "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2" for her and Rufus to watch. Sadly, Rufus doesn't reciprocate and she gives him the Gran Matador anyway, since it's his favorite. All because Claire Bennet made an appearance, with a shovel lodged on her back.

Blair ran a la Usain Bolt all the way to Brooklyn to tell to V's face how she effed everything up. Instead of the Archibalds getting money from the Duchess, Nate got nothing, all because V effed it! Argh!

Serena and Dan are pissed on what happened to Amanda; Serena went to Dan to apologize but he ditches the dirt: it's not your fault Serena! (I remember the stairwell scene on Bad News Blair), and Dan tells her the nutcracker: "show us the real you". Girl will now be in control, since things would have to come through her, first.

Vanessa now comes after Nate, and Nate says, we were never friends, right? Screw you and your no-load cellphone. Jenny gets pwned by the bitches, and Dan voicemails Serena, and he doesn't really blame Serena that much. WTF?

And the dynamite, if you think the Lawd and the Duchess bringing it on all or nothing to win it was the plot twist of the episode, wait till you see this: Amanda was Chuck's plant. And it was his intention to let the queen in Serena rise from the ashes. And Amanda's going to boarding school with Georgina!

What are Chuck's motives? So Blair's life would be effed up? So Dan's life would be effed up? So Serena's life would be effed up? So Nate and him will finally do it while the whole school is transfixed to World War IV, in hockey sticks? What?

Meanwhile, I don't get Jenny's last scene. If anyone knows, comment it here.

Like a soul refusing to undergo nirvana, Serena and the bitches, yes you've read that right, "Serena and the bitches," lay down the hammer. Serena removes her scarf, and places it on Blair's shoulders. Apparently Blair gets the symbolism, but she's too effed up to do something it. And Chuck? Let's say his team finally wins, for now.

And Dan Humphrey? I think you were supposed to feel bad on the very last scene, but you shouldn't. Not because Dan is an ass, but because he's Dan Humphrey. He's lonely boy, screw you high school students, as long as I know who ubermensch really is, I'm better than all of you. As we end the episode, we see Dan all alone, in the courtyard.

H.B.I.C. (or in this case, H.B.I.H.S.) Serena, how we missed you. Xoxo.

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