When bitches strike back

The bitch is back.

It's been a long time since I've last seen a new Gossip Girl episode... ever since i downloaded episode 13 I've been craving for some OMFG moments, and finally it's here. Did the show disappoint by not providing us with OMFG moments? It seems the writers managed to squeeze in a lot of OMFG and WTF moments.

If you haven't seen "Breakfast at Tiffany's," you won't be able to understand WTF Blair and Nate were doing, so you'd have to watch Audrey Hepburn in all of her glory... of course on YouTube. Basically, it summarizes a central plot line: the downfall of Blair Waldorf. Well of course if you've read the spoilers already you'd conclude that it is only Blair's dream. And how cute Blair is on her bed, with Dorota nagging her to get up. Oh, cuteness. And don't get me started on how Serena must've smelled while she was walking with Blair to school -- and about the school... WTF happened to Constance+St. Jude's? Did an earthquake strike the UES, leveled the schools and a new building was erected? Didn't know NYC was under a fault line.

Then the scene every Blair Waldorf fan would rather forget... but did I just blink or it wasn't shown who among the girls dropped the yummy yogurt? Since yogurt is an effective hair gel, and Blair wasn't wearing headbands, she and Serena shouldn't have removed it so her hair won't be as messy. And on the Met, since when did Elise became a part of the in-crowd? I looooove Elise but her rise to the penthouse must've been a lot faster than little J's (maybe she has money). And that was some crafty bitching by Jenny. Blair = pwned.

But the original Queen Bee won't be pwned long enough. When little J really wants to fit in with the in-crowd, you'd have to sew your own clothes steal from your "friend's" closet. And does NYC has some lax pawning laws or what? And what's a Valentino? The male population during Valentine's Day? But Blair's plan herself would've been outdone, and what's better? She didn't expect it to be that good.

Tip for little J: Take it from me, the best way to fit in is by not fitting in. Be like your brother, by doing nothing, he got the hot chick. Niiiiiiiiiiice.

Speaking of the hot chick, if you've read the spoilers, you'd know who was giving those nasty packages to Serena. OK, I delivered the package containing "art cinema" but I'm really surprised they'd use it as a plot device. But the thing is, why did Chuck didn't even explain? Serena and Bart would've not believed him but he could've use it as a sticking point when he proves he's right.

Blair was scheming with Rufus, although the Humphrey doesn't know it... which brings me to, Rufus was so likeable in this episode, eh? No facial hair, Bryn and Bex would've fallen over him eight days a week.

And I thought Jenny was smart (remember the police scene from the truth or dare episode?), didn't she know that once you steal, you can get arrested. Every second grader knows that. She was on her OMFG moment when she could've easily teased Nate on giving her $8,000 but she was probably OMFG-ing a lot. And did Nate didn't look the french fries vendor for this episode? He was actually helping Jenny. She was not judging Jenny. Unlike what she did to Blair. But hey, money is nothing when you consider what Blair did. It hurts, it hurts you know. I should know, right? No.

HALFTIME REPORT: By now, I'd have to tell you that there are no Chair scenes in this episode so you can delay the squeeing for next week. Well, maybe...

On with the show, so Jenny was screwed, but she still wore the red dress on her way home, which will lead to a major screw-up later. Meanwhile, Darena was hot with passion when someone has to interrupt them. Seriously, the writers must've read a lot of Spider-Man comics. Just when Peter Parker will exchange bodily fluids with Mary Jane, something out of the blue happens (ok, they're not exchanging body fluids, just playing tonsil hockey. Too bad Anaheim is eliminated though Darena can still watch the (not Texas) Rangers kick ass). And who was that someone? The french fries vendor Nate Archibald, no relation to the New York Knicks player. Nate apparently wants to snag Dan (the spoilers said one male character will come out of the closet, remember?) away from Serena to outdo Chuck for the ultimate payback. Too bad that didn't happen, instead Archibald told Humphrey that Humphrey was freaking out and asked him 8 thousand bucks. Humphrey left Archibald and van der Woodsen alone. And what does Archibald do? Nothing. He needs to be stoned by the Captain. See you later, Nate.

Back at DUMBO, Blufus (yes, the shipping starts now!) and Jenny's "pals" hold a surprise birthday party for little J. Wait... it's Jenny's birthday? Hey, she's 15 in TV now, eh? (she was 14 during the "truth or dare" episode) Obviously, Jenny has to change or else she'd punk'd herself if she reveals she's wearing the dress she stole from her "friend's" closet. So she hurriedly goes to her room (I wish I can have a room as colorful as hers) to "change." While Blair cutely offers food. Ooooooh... me hungry.

Apparently, Jenny knows how to dress up but doesn't know how to undress herself. Rufus offers to lend a hand (oooooh, I like where this is going!!!) but apparently his hands are too wimpy so he needs pliers. The pals become impatient and BARGE INTO HER ROOM WITHOUT WARNING with Jenny in full view... wearing the red dress (the FCC won't allow Taylor Momsen in her full glory, much less in her undies, so unlike New York Magazine). Hazel (one of the pals) freaks out, and Blair grins from ear to ear as she invites the pals back to Butters. I could swear I saw Ashton Kutcher in the background ROFLing.

Dad and daughter had a heart-to-heart talk, and Jenny refuses to budge in. Girl, if you can't fit in, don't. And don't even blame Rufus since Lincoln Hawk (also known as Linkin Park ripoffs) didn't enough produce hits during the 90s so he could have more licensing money. Blame yourself for getting into this mess, girl! Actually, I'm pretty sorry for her, I blame Rufus for enrolling her at Constance. Girls would do anything to upstage other girls. I should know. Yes.

Finally Dan arrives after a long trek from Midtown. Making a pledge to make Jenny's day a little better, he told him he'd buy her ice cream. The type of ice cream you'd normally see on UST every morning with the old guy pushing the "SANTO TOMAS" cart. Yummy and delicious. But Jenny would step it up a notch. Since she doesn't want to be the Tracy McGrady of the five boroughs, she went to.... guess who first. Clue: He's stoned and sells fries. Right, Nathaniel Archibald.

Blair and pals minus Isabel (the African-American drone) cozy up at Butters (not the South Park character) and gobble up the food. Jenny escapes from the DUMBO dungeon and goes to the loving arms of Nate. Since she wants to have someone on her birthday (maybe she doesn't want her pink teddy anymore), she gets Nate. The guy whom she refused to kiss during the masked ball. Dressing up, she and Nate go to, where else? Butters.

Just as Blair leaves to fetch Isabel comes Jenny with her new man. Apparently, since Penelope has had a crush on Nate since John F. Kennedy was president, the pals welcome Nanny (hahaha) to the table to the spot where Blair was sitting. Then Blair and Isabel arrive and the bitchfight continues for next week.

And oh, before I forget, Serena receives a letter from a certain "G" and you people already know who "G" is, right? Apparently Chuck is also concerned about the matter since he offers her some drinks. Someone pour those two a glass.

BTW, "G" really is Gabriella Montez. She bailed out East High School and now studies at Constance. Pretty neat, eh?

Next on Gossip Girl: Vanessa Anne Hudgens stars as Gabriella as she mistakes Chace Crawford as Zach Efron. Serena and Gabriella run around the streets of New York naked, and Elise paints Jenny's.... nevermind. All new Gossip Girl, next week, on the... what network is it again?