May 9, 2008

Who should win American Idol or: How I Learned to Stop Wallowing in Mud and Love the Cook

Season 7 may have the hottest roster of finalists in the history of AI but frankly, it has the shallowest crop (pun intended) of talents since Season 6. The only "shock" elimination was the Aussie Guy but he'd never win anyway. I'd even rate last year's top three a wee higher than this season's top three. I'd even say that Jessica Sierra can beat them in a binge-drinking contest.

But why is that? With the explosion of fantardism of fanboys/girls/gays/lesbos in the fandom of AI, you'd be convinced that this is the best crop of finalists ever. Even the high mortality rate of season 4 can't be matched by the matching fantardism ever present among AI viewers. Which makes me believe about four-fifths of the AI audience are young females with the remaining one-fifth comprising African-Americans. Let's face it, other demographics are probably too engrossed in other activities and/or TV shows. Even the hotness that is Kristy Lee Cook didn't translate into votes from the massive heterosexual male community. Maybe wasting money for calls and texts isn't worth it for that demographic. Or maybe she just plainly sucks. Whatever.

Which brings me to the current crop of top three contestants. The most hideous, pathetic and disturbing top three finalists in the history of reality television since the Precambrian era. In fact, I'd rather watch reruns of Pinoy Big Brother: Teen Edition Plus, if only it had reruns and if they really showed reality.

First, the feminine version of Hannah Montana: David Archuleta. He never sings songs that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and Zanessa would disapprove. He'd never wear shorts when he is near dolphins for fear that the Jaredites would rise from the dead and exterminate the entire population of the United States, Canada and Saint Pierre and Miquelon. And because of that, one-half of the female population under the IQ of 120 squee every time they seem him breathe, which happens faster thanthe amount of time light travels squared. Guess what the other half of the said demographic are doing?

They support the "other" David: David Cook. Which absolutely makes me believe that this show is rigged: two Davids, and one of them is surnamed "Cook." I wonder what the chefs at Fox are cooking up at the Finale? Maybe the entire telephone system of the U.S. save for Wyoming would fail at the Finale which would lead to a re-vote the next week. And I thought the primary race between Hillary Clinton and Barack Hussein Obama wasn't that tight. They should make the Fox News Channel pundits as AI superdelegates. Archuleta might win because of the superdelegates.

Returning to Cook, what appalls me is that he doesn't use his own arrangments. Sure, throw me the crap that nobody has original arrangements: why haven't I heard protests from Memphis? From Nashville? From Britney Spears? W-T-F. Sure he admitted that he credited them but FOX cut it from broadcast (they were saving air time for the air head they call Paula Abdul) but it is still crap. I'd rather watch pigs wallow in mud.

Now the wildcard, or shall we say, "if weren't for Jason sucking so bad last week I won't be here anymore": Syesha Mercado. If Jenny Humphrey is the Blair Waldorf wannabe, and Piolo Pascual wants David Hernandez to be with him, Syesha is the Rihanna wannabe. There are a couple of things doing good for her: her rack. Plus 20% of the American population are probably behind her and the AI viewers that actually think may vote for her. Ooops, AI has no more viewers that think; they either squee or piss in their pants, or do something else in the vein of what Richard Quest did at Central Park. With her photocopied rendition of every song by African-American divas in the theme's playlist since the Civil Rights movement, she can enter the finale if all of the conditions are met: 1.) FOX executives are on vacation, 2.) Obama endorses her, and 3.) George Soros pours a lot of money into the Syesha Mercado warchest that can make John McCain cry.

Don't worry, none of those will happen. A David-David finale is certain to happen, and if it doesn't happen, I'd turn this blog into a Syesha fansite for a week.

So who would actually win? I'd deliver the most cliche of answers: since it is absolutely certain that the only viewers of AI that vote are either females below the IQ of 120, or have a female in the household with an IQ of below 120, who among the Davids that doesn't screw up in the Finale would win. With that said, it seems that Archuleta would win since despite his age, he is a veteran on these things, and that "he is so young" argument is crappier than pigs wallowing in mud and it'll make Alexis Dziena bitter to no end. However, my unbiased self would like to see David Cook win: if you ignore the fact that he goes to YouTube, Metacafe and every video streaming website known to man every Monday, his songs are actually well-arranged and well-sung.

But who really wins? FOX. And AT&T. Hell yeah.

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